Today on Lager Talk we discuss the American Automobile. We aren't discussing makes and models, we're discussing how many people can't operate one. So I have compiled a list of helpful hints that will keep me from snapping one day and ramming my Jeep into the driver's side door of your vehicle.
#1 - That little stick on your steering column operates your turn signals. They are there oddly enough so that you may indicate that you are going to turn. TRY USING THEM! But it must be noted that just because you signal, it doesn't mean that magically there is an opening there.
#2 - Speaking of turns, many places there is a lane between the lanes of traffic. This is a turn lane, fascinating. Now if you are going to use this lane get your vehicle completely in the lane before braking or (even worse) stopping. That lane is there so that I don't have to jam on my brakes just because you need another fancy-pants coffee.
#3 - Now I hate to be ageist, but if you are advanced in years SPEED UP! I would think that those with less time left would be burning up the road in a Ferrari or Lamborghini, not going 15 mph under the speed limit in a 1976 Cadillac ElDorado.
#4 - And as far as those white rectangular signs with the numbers on them, that's the speed limit. So it is your right to drive under the limit. But if you do don't be surprised at the evil looks and odd hand gestures thrown your way. If you are driving the limit you get no argument from me. And if I am driving the limit and you tailgate well I will set the cruise right on and watch you boil over. Then laugh if you pass me in front of one of Pennsylvania's finest and get pulled over for a chat.
#5 - Some traffic lights have a "no turn on red" sign attached. But if it isn't there then that means YOU CAN TURN RIGHT ON RED! Recently I saw a vehicle with the bumper sticker "This vehicle does not turn right on red." All I could think was WHY NOT?!
#6 - Just because you like NASCAR doesn't mean you're in a race. If only everyone left 5 min earlier we wouldn't have this problem. And if you think tailgating me at 60 mph is going to make me pass someone quicker so you can get by. Well I hope you enjoy the wait.
#8 - When there are two lanes merging, it is my belief that the continuing lane has the right of way. In other words I don't HAVE to let you in. Now most times I will let one person in. But if I see you speeding up just to cut over I will match speeds so you don't get ahead of me.
#9 - How courteous I am to other drivers has a direct correlation to where they are from and what bumper stickers or decals they are showing. New York, New Jersey and California have long waits ahead of them.
#10 - Put down your cell phone, newspaper, food or make-up and DRIVE! I saw a car once that had a bumper sticker that said "Put down your phone and drive.". I found this interesting as the guy driving was chatting away on his cell phone.
That's all for Lager Talk. Next time on Lager Talk...choose a team moron!
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#7- I agree with the bumper stickers "Watch for Bikers" ... HOWEVER I would like one that says "Bikers watch for cars and OBEY the rules of the road".. I can't tell you how many times a motorcycle cut me off or drives up the side of the road (by the way ILLEGAL).. or thinks they are so cool on their Motorcycle that they can ride up the turn lane just to get infront of one car and then be stuck in traffic. (and on this topic.. Can we go back to all people on motorcycles NEED to wear helmets in every state??.. I get it.. the wind feels great blowing through your hair..and it's a great deal of fun to pick bugs out of your teeth.. but come on! I am sure you can ask any ER worker and they would think they same thing).. Thank you.. getting down from my box now!
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