lions, tigers and penguins oh my

29 Years Makes A House A Home

2011-01-02T14:22:00.000-08:00

If you read my previous post you know my parents recently left their home for a retirement community. This is bitter sweet (like sour patch kids). I am happy for them but that was my house and now someone else is living there. Well I hope they like lead based paint. Just kidding. Anyway I thought I should jot down some memories of 2558 Valley Dr. In no particular order...

Every time the creek flooded out the park.
The Acclaims wild ride.
Ganges eating the ham by herself and keeping it down for 5 minutes.
Ganges running full speed into the sliding glass door.
Getting hosed off after trying to re-enact Peter's walk across the water.
Getting my own room.
Hiding the Christmas sandwich cookies.
Finding Christmas presents in Feb and Easter eggs in Nov.
Walk up and down the steps 10 times.
When Airplane the movie was on TV and my Mom would get no sleep.
Thanksgiving when we watched Hoosiers.
The time my four mice got loose and went missing (don't worry new home owners, we found them...or did we?)
The day Mom locked herself out of the house and I sprayed myself in the face with a fire extinguisher trying to break the glass to get in.
My Dad racing I mean RACING my Grandma's car around the neighborhood while the roads were still dirt.
My Brother's van that was 17 1/2 shades of brown and the horn played La Cucaracha.
Susan and the Desitin go 10 rounds.
The snake that killed the azaleas.
Mowing words in the back yard.
Mom gets us a new garage door.
But one of my all time favorite memories is Ganges eating the VCR tape and then having tape coming out BOTH ENDS! I laugh just thinking about it.

Well that's it maybe in 26 years I will have a list for my house, maybe (hopefully) sooner.

Reflections Of 2010 A Year Gone By

2011-01-02T13:55:00.000-08:00

Well here we are. We are in the early days of 2011. We are probably 5 to 6 months away from not writing 2010 on our checks, well if you are anything like me you are. What can I say about 2010. Well I feel I should say something it did give me 365.333 days of its time. Well here goes.

My parents still live in Lancaster. However as of Jan 1st are now living at a new address. After 29 years on Valley Dr they have moved to the much more compact and much closer to a Hosss'; Brethran Village. It is a nice place and I think a good move for them. Plus Valley Dr was getting a little sketchy lately with the DEA showing up from time to time.

My Sister and her husband still live in Florida. That's good because it means I never run into them in the grocery store and we have to fight over the last chocolate cake with lemon icing. But seriously they are happy down south with their jobs that take up most of their time and loving their two dogs. Or is it their dogs that take up most of their time and loving their jobs. I don't know it maybe 50-50.

My beloved (though I'm starting to wonder why) Bengals couldn't get out of their own way in 2010 and had golf times reserved for January back in October. Penn State had an up and down year. They are going through some growing pains but, mark my words, they will be great next year as the Big10 (which is 11 now) expands to 12 teams to include the Cornsuckers of Nebraska. The Penguins had an early exit out of the playoffs in 2010 but are looking very strong right now.

As for me my year could be titled "I got everything I wanted". After 18 months of unemployment and frustration I finally got a full time job. I now work for Horizon Services out of Exton, PA. If you are in that area you probably have seen our big orange trucks. I love being employed, but sometimes a 15 hour day just isn't something I am looking for. And after 37 years of being alone I found perhaps the best girl out there. You may read this and say "NO I HAVE THE BEST GIRL!" Well not to start an argument but I must say "NO YOU DON'T! DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE!!!" She is the best and I'll prove it...she is kind, compassionate, funny, beautiful...and she hangs around with ME! Case closed I win.

Well I'm not sure how 2011 could beat 2010 but I am certainly on pins a nd needles waiting to find out. Happy New Year, Valentines Day, Arbor Day, Tax Day, National Take Your Spam To Work Day, National Weasel Appreciation Day and any other holiday you want to celebrate this year. And in the words of the immortal Bob Barker "Don't forget to spay and neuter your pets."

What I Am Thankful For

2010-11-24T17:51:00.000-08:00

Well it is Thanksgiving Eve and if I may I will wax poetic about the good things in my life...
I am thankful for family both by blood and not,
I am thankful for my parents they have helped me out a lot.
I am thankful for my girlfriend Ang,
I am thankful she can put up with me being strange.
I am thankful for where I live,
And I am free because of the sacrifice that some had to give.
I am thankful that next year is another NFL season,
Because the Bengals should be tried for treason.
I am thankful for pizza, cold beer and shoo fly pie,
I hope they have them in heaven when I die.
I am thankful for a good paying job,
It keeps me from being an unemployed slob.
I am thankful for for time to relax with friends,
Hey Cory when are we going to play Smart A@# again?
I am thankful for God's love, mercy and grace,
But I would be grateful for some winning lottery numbers in an easy to find place.
I am thankful for my Jeep and my house,
I am more thankful that it has been a long time since I have been visited by a mouse.
I am thankful for spring, summer, winter and fall,
I am thankful that I live where I can experience them all.
I am thankful for football and hockey to watch on TV,
Throw in some burgers and that would be fine with me.
I am thankful for freedom of speech,
Because without it I wouldn't be able to sit here and spout off nonsense on this blog.

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody!!!

Why Am I So Popular In The Pacific Rim?

2010-09-06T12:00:00.000-07:00

Recently I have noticed a lot of posts on my blog. This is great my blog is being read and enjoyed, and that is pretty cool. The thing that is confusing is the demographic of the posters. They are mostly Asian. Why am I so popular with them? This has been bugging me for a while. I have thought about it and can't come up with any reason. I don't eat their cuisine. I really like Godzilla movies. I have never traveled to that region. The answer eludes me. If anyone has an answer I am ready to hear it, cause I've got nothing. Maybe when translated my blog entries sound like Confucius. Well maybe not, but it is the best answer I have so far.

My Summer Beat Up Your Summer

2010-09-06T11:45:00.000-07:00

Yeah it may be presumptuous but if you read on you will discover that not only did my summer beat up your summer, but it also gave it several nougies, a swirly and one wicked atomic wedgie! To prove it my summer included (not in any particular order)...

Lunch with my Aunt Pat, my Uncle Burt, my Mom, my Dad and my girlfriend at Tokyo Diner (the first time I went to a hibachi).
Glow golf on a miniature golf course.
Packing ducks for Schreiber.
Painting my girlfriend's house
The Schreiber duck race that was rained out but got my picture in the paper.
Riding the OGO ball.
Riding the IGO ball.
Going to my first Phillies game a Citizen's Bank Ballpark. And seeing a huge neon sign for my new employer.
Speaking of employers I had 4 of them this summer.
The Combine Demolition Derby at The Buck.
The LCBC picnic for Liberty Place.
Going to Longwood Gardens.
A day trip to Washington DC. This included an art museum and the Holocaust Museum

So what can I say...game, set, match...and your summer is down for the count...he shoots he scores...and at the line its my summer by 13 car lengths. Ah yes the only problem is now I have to find a way to top this summer next year. Crud, I think I may have set the bar a little high.

Signs Seen Around Town 2

2010-07-29T15:41:00.000-07:00

OK two more signs. These are both from 743 between 283 and Hershey.

The first one is a "For Sale" sign. It is a hot property indeed. The sign reads "4 Sale 4 BR Fireplace". Wow imagine, smores every night from the comfort of your bedroom.

The second one is celebrating a business with a long tradition. It reads "Celebrating 0 years. Oh yeah big celebration. We haven't made a profit and we are going into debt with balloons that say happy 0 years. Now driving by I can see the 1 laying on its side. But the other way is better. And if I ever have a business that just may be a clever marketing ploy.

This Is What Our Economy Needs

2010-07-29T15:15:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I was mowing my parents lawn. I see this guy going to the front door. I stop the mower and ask if I can help him. The following is what I remember to be our conversation.

Him - Hi I am here to get your help so they can kick me out of the country.
Me - ???
Him - Just kidding, but I am trying to go on a trip.
Me - ???
Him - Would you like to know where I am going?
Me - Sure.
Him - Mexico.
Me - OK
Him - Now to go I need points.
Me - ???
Him - Ask me how I get points.
Me - How do you get points?
Him - (excited) I'm glad you asked. All you have to do is look through this list and pick out a few you want and the points are listed to the right.
Me - I'm not interested. (I try to hand him his flyers)
Him - Interest is what banks give you I need points.
Me - (more agitated) I can't afford it.
Him - I don't need money I need points.
Me - (even more agitated) Listen I have stuff to do I am not going to buy anything good bye.
Him - (looking sad) OK. (finally walks away)

Now I wish I had thought of it earlier but I should have taken him to the perfect place to get "points". If it still was available I would have taken him to the unemployment office. A place where people are surviving week to week. Worried about where they are going to get the money to eat and pay their mortgage or rent. I'm sure they would be happy to shell out what little money the have to send this moron on a pleasure trip to sunny Mexico. I don't know how banged and bruised he would have been afterward. Join me in boycotting whatever organization this is.

Signs Seen Around Town

2010-06-30T07:20:00.001-07:00

Recently as I was coming back home from a day at Longwood Gardens I passed a sign I had seen before. Though I had seen it before each time I pass it, it makes me laugh. The sign is for Christ's Home for Children. I am sure that they are a good organization but their sign makes me laugh. It says "Christ's Home Office". That always makes me wonder if Jesus is sitting right off of Rt 30 in Paradise, PA.

The other one I saw recently is on the outside of The Village in Lancaster. The sign is advertising that they will be closed for the upcoming holiday and upcoming bands. But if you glance quick it looks like it says, Closed July 10 No Apology. OK you're closed but I don't need your attitude. But in reality it says:

July 3
Closed
July 10
No Apology

Still it made me look twice and get a laugh out of it. So for that I say thank you.

Woody's Movie Review 41

2010-06-20T11:34:00.000-07:00

Here we go again, more movies for your perusal.

First is the long anticipated movie "Blind Side" starring Sandra Bullock and Tim McGraw. I may be the last person to see this movie but that's OK. It was pretty good. However I was hoping for more football and less drama. Bullock plays a New Orleans woman who invites an underprivileged young man into her home and her life. 4 penguins.

Next is "From Paris with Love" starring John Travolta. Travolta plays a spy who is in Paris to stop a terrorist plot. He does have the help of a budding spy. The bullets start fly almost immediately. The body count goes up. But to me the story is lacking. 3 Penguins.

"The Road" is a post-apocalyptic sci-fi movie. Viggo Mortensen plays a father trying to get his son to safety after some event has killed off many of the population. The ones that survived are no cannibals. The story was weak and the acting was too. Some of the scenes were a bit much to take too. 2 penguins.

Lastly we have "Pirate Radio" starring Philip Seymour Hoffman. It is the true (?) story of a bunch of ships off the coast of England broadcasting radio signals. The music they were playing was not allowed on regular radio, hence the name. It is interesting but somewhat crude. 3 penguins.

My New Book

2010-06-20T07:03:00.000-07:00

I have decided to write a book. It will be titled Kevin Wood's Guide to Emotions: Good, Bad and 98 others.

It has recently come to my attention that (hold on to your hats men) there are more than just 2 emotions. I know! I was shocked too. And apparently hungry may not be one. Any way the subject of my book will be to inform people (mostly men) about these other 98 emotional words. I will also delve into the myth that OK, Fine and Great are all synonyms. Now I also have come up with a brand new communication system that uses numbers. What man can't use numbers. You come home, you've had a hard day and your wife says "How are you?" And instead of just saying "Good, I'll have a cold drink." now you can say "Good, 83, I'll have a cold beer.". See the difference, fantastic. If I can help just one man, it will be worth it. I will with each book include an easy to read wall poster and handy laminated pocket reference for easy emotional communication. After reading my book you will not only be better equipped to communicate with anyone but you will also be $39.99 poorer. Laminations aren't cheap my friend. So all in all everybody wins. So run out soon to your local bookstore. You know the one it's next to the beer distributor and across the street from that place that sells fried dough on a stick. Man I'm hungry now. Well happy emotions, and if my system doesn't work for you you can take comfort in the fact that I still get to keep the $39.99.

Duck Assembly Line

2010-05-23T07:26:00.002-07:00

Ducks Ducks Everywhere And I Forgot The A La Range

2010-05-23T07:19:00.000-07:00

Woody's Movie Review 40

2010-05-06T16:44:00.000-07:00

So Woody's movie review turns 40 this installment. Wow 40 reviews; time sure flies. OK enough about the past how about the present...wait you got me a present?! Oh the other kind, whatever here are some more movie reviews. Oh and I am adding a new feature. Click on the movie title to link to that movies IMDB page.

First up is "Catch 22". This movie is a dark comedy starring Alan Arkin and Martin Balsam. It is about a bombardier who doesn't want to go on any more missions. He tries everything to get out of going including showing up to receive a medal in the nude. Just a reminder they pin those medals on, Ouch. 3 penguins.

Next is "The Informant" starring Matt Damon. Damon stars as an employee blowing the whistle on his company to the FBI. While this is going on he retreats into his own little fantasy world. Very interesting. 4 penguins.

Then there is "The Men Who Stare at Goats". This movie starring among others George Clooney, Jeff Bridges, Ewan McGregor and Kevin Spacey is a little scary. Scary that the government even considered anything like this. I know it is fiction but still. It was OK but not great. 3 penguins.

Lastly there is "Planet 51" featuring the voice of Dwayne Johnson. Johnson's character is an astronaut who gets stranded on an alien planet that is supposed to be uninhabited. Unfortunately for him it's not, fortunately he gets help from an alien (voiced by Justin Long). It has some laugh out loud moments and is good for the whole family. 4 penguins.

Wow, Church Sure Can Be Challenging: In A Good Way

2010-05-06T15:33:00.000-07:00

Recently we were challenged at the church I go to (LCBC Manheim), to try certain tasks to know a little of how it feels to live the way most of the world does. It has been hard at times but very rewarding and eye opening.

The first task was to go 12 hours without water. That means no drinking, no showers, no laundry, no water. Now I did it before they suggested no water period. So my day was no drinking. Though it wasn't as hard it still is ingrained in my memory.

The next task was to walk at least a mile, fill up a 5 gallon bucket of water, and walk a mile home. That's just about 42 pounds. Now it doesn't seem bad until you have to carry it just on one side. Also it is sloshing all over the place. It took round trip about an hour and a half. Now for perspective to get the water for an average American, I would have to make 25 trips! You do the math and there aren't enough hours in the day to make it work.

The last challenge was to eat nothing but rice and beans for 5 days. Here is my rice and beans journal.
Day 1: Breakfast-skipped; lunch-rice; dinner-rice and black beans.
Day 2: Breakfast-baked beans; lunch-rice and baked beans; dinner-rice and baked beans.
Day 3: Breakfast-skipped; lunch-rice and baked beans; dinner-plain rice cakes.
Day 4: Breakfast-skipped; lunch-rice and baked beans; dinner-rice and baked beans.
Day 5: Breakfast-rice cake w/a touch of honey; lunch-rice and baked beans; dinner-2 soft pretzels and a brownie.
As you can tell I finished 1 meal short. Also I may have bent the rules a little with the baked beans and honey, but believe me I got the idea.

Well I can say I have a better understanding of what goes on in the world outside the US. But now what? I can't fix it all, can I? The great thing about God is he doesn't expect us to fix it all, just to give all we have. Whew, that is a load off my mind.

I Didn't See The Moon, But I Heard Some Howling

2010-04-25T08:17:00.000-07:00

This story starts on Wednesday. Me and my girlfriend were hanging out and relaxing and I said there was a Penguins playoff game on Thursday night. I then asked what she wanted to do on Friday. She said she wanted to go out but didn't know where. I said I would come up with something. Well I had 4 options in mind, but after thinking about it 2 were eliminated. So I gave her the choice option 1 or option 2. She said she didn't care, so I picked. I called and asked if she could be ready at 5:30 and she said yes. I picked her up and off we went. I didn't tell her where we were going or what we were going to do. We stopped at Cracker Barrel for dinner and then off to Baltimore. We got there and after being lost for a little while we got to Howl at the Moon (www.howlatthemoon.com). Howl at the Moon is a dueling piano bar. It was fantastic. It was music, comedy, drama, and so much more. There were also these dry erase boards that for an amount of money you could have them write what ever you want on them. Cases in point there were 2 messages that stood out above the rest.

Melissa needs a boyfriend, 443-6832-5018, She is Hot!
Rita is gorgeous and needs a hunk of burning love, 410-218-0822

Wow, it was apparent that neither of these women were in the bar and that their friends may not be their friends tomorrow. The highlight of the evening for me though was the "NFL fight song medley", they were going to play the Eagles fight song but someone outbid them to play the Steelers fight song. Then it took off, it was Eagles by 2, Steelers by 1, Redskins by 3, Colts by 4, Eagles by 3, Steelers by 2, Packers by 5... This went on for about 10 min. I wish I had kept track of the money being spent cause it was ridiculous.

So if you are in the Baltimore area check it out. I know we will be going back sometime hopefully with a big group. I leave you now with the alternate lyrics to Do-Re-Mi.

Do, the stuff to buy some beer
Re, the guy who chugged my beer
Mi, the guy who needs some beer
Far, a long way to the john
Sew, I think I'll have a beer
La, Lots and lots of beer
Tea, No thanks I'll have some beer
And that brings us back to do, do, do, do

Reading Is A Nice Place To Celebrate A Fire

2010-04-21T06:33:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday I went to Reading to celebrate a Birthday. My girlfriend's friend Val was turning an undisclosed number of years old. We headed up and met her at her house. I decided to use the bathroom and when I came out I was told we were leaving immediately. OK, off we went. When I got outside Val was already down the road. When I asked what was going on I was told Val's Mom's house was on fire. Well we rushed over and found the house standing and a little black smoke coming from the chimney. I felt the doors and they were cold so I wasn't sure what was wrong. Well the fire department (I think the WHOLE fire department) showed up and checked things out. It turns out it was a oil burning heater that was running a little rich. Whew! Although one fire fighter, who looked about 12 and sprinted 3 blocks to get there, looked disappointed. As the fire fighters were leaving one of them seemed aggravated that his card game was interrupted. Maybe he had just yelled "Uno" or something. So we headed back to Val's met up with Ron and Meghan. We then headed to GNA for dinner. There we met up with John and Emily. The restaurant had some dishes that were "museum" quality, but we went with some fresher options. There was much pasta and a few chocolate martinis. Also we discussed the fan base, dance moves and you tube videos of Lady Gaga. Very entertaining?! We then headed off to somewhere that I forget the name of. It was a nice place though at one point the bathroom was a little crowded for my taste. We were ready to leave when a table opened up and we able to sit and relax with some conversation and tasty beverages.

Highlights include but are not limited to:

John doesn't get quick service when he goes to the bar.
Meghan wishes the world was like a musical and people burst into choreographed song and dance routines at the spur of the moment.
I learned that Brian Boucher (goalie for the Flyers) has a brother Bobby who played on the Mud Dogs Bourbon Bowl winning team.
Emily had to explain to John what "rivalry" means.
There was a phantom smell that we all detected but didn't say anything about.
"Sound of Music" is either the best movie, the worst movie or a movie Val hasn't seen.
Ang plans to have Val watch it while they crack open a little wine.
A little (read, A LOT) of wine is what I would need to watch it.

Well we finished up and headed home. Thanks to all. And remember to change the batteries in you smoke and carbon monoxide detectors.

How To Sell A Harley

2010-04-21T06:23:00.000-07:00

There is a Harley dealer off of 501 heading toward Lititz that has an interesting advertising campaign. FREE STUFF. Every so often their sign changes to let you know what free goodies you will get if you purchase a Harley.

In February it was a free dozen roses. I can just picture the guy coming home flowers in hand. He says to his wife "I got these for you.". She giggles with delight and asks "What's the occasion?". He gets close lowers his voice and says "Three years of motorcycle payments baby.". Of course he then spend the next 2 days picking out thorns from his head, face and neck.

Later it was a free shovel. Quite appropriate considering we had just gotten 6 feet of snow. Though you probably would have needed the shovel to get out of the house to go buy a Harley, but still nice idea.

Then there is their current sign. Free Speedo. OK if that is what fires you up to get out on the road on a brand new Harley, then great. Just one request from the rest of us. DON'T WEAR IT WHEN YOU ARE OUT RIDING! The sight of some guy in a Speedo on his Harley...well let's just say it wouldn't be pleasant.

I Am Not Eating There

2010-04-11T07:55:00.000-07:00

So I was driving around the other day up near Ephrata, PA. I saw a restaurant. There was a sign out front that was very appropriate for any restaurant. It said "New lunch menu". Now why did they change the lunch menu? I don't know. Maybe they hired a new chef. Maybe new owners took over. Maybe Gordon Ramsey was there with "Kitchen Nightmares", well probably not that one. But I think a clue was provided in the next line on their sign. It said "We have worms". Now I don't know if they are serving worms or if the cooking staff has some deadly parasite. Either way I think I'll pass. One thing this has taught me. Always carry your digital camera, you never know what you may come across.

What Does That Even Mean?

2010-03-22T15:37:00.000-07:00

As you drive up 501 in Lancaster heading toward Lititz you will pass JJ's Java house. Outside of JJ's is this sign. Now I'm wondering what it means. And if it means what I think it does, then do they have theme drinks. Like French roast, french fries and french toast. Or is it more random like decaff, a jelly doughnut and a carrot. Whatever it is I think I'll pass. I like my food and drink separate. Although a cup of joe with a shot of shoo-fly pie could be interesting.

Did We Really Need To Spend Money On This

2010-03-09T11:20:00.000-08:00

I was walking downtown and noticed this plaque in the ground. Of all the things Lancaster City could be spending my ever increasing tax dollars on this is last on my list. There is no need for this. It is like those government forms you get with a blank page. And across the page is written "This page intentionally left blank. Well thanks for the info, why not save some trees and leave those "blank" pages out altogether? Somehow I think if I see a random piece of sidewalk or macadam without any signs I will know it isn't dedicated.

Kids Today Have Lost Their Daredevil Spirit

2010-03-09T11:12:00.000-08:00

Recently I was over by Toys R Us and saw a speed limit sign that had me puzzled. I know spray painting extra numbers or changing numbers is great fun for teenagers. However I think I would have added a "1" in front or maybe changed the "2" to an "8". But seriously 26! I go faster than that without even trying. Maybe it was some Amish kids, and they were reaching new speed records on their scooters or roller skates.

Woody's Movie Review 39

2010-03-03T11:32:00.000-08:00

Here we are again, so let's get started.

First we have "Edge of Darkness" starring one of my favorite actors Mel Gibson. Gibson plays a father who welcomes home his daughter only to see her shot right in front of him. Since Gibson is a cop he goes on a journey of investigation/revenge/retribution/justice. This was a great movie, the only comment I have is I didn't know Mel was that short. 5 penguins.

Next is "Final Destination 4". I think the final destination for this one should be on the shelf. It was OK but not fantastic, plus I have seen the formula 3 times already. The first one (as is the case with most sequel driven movies) is still the best. There was one good line though. After the one character dies the one girl asks her boyfriend "Remember the redneck from the racetrack?". Seriously you will have to be way more specific. That's like asking "Remember that moron wearing the Steelers jersey?". 2 penguins.

Next is "Gamer". I just watched this one this morning. It stars Gerard Butler and Michael C. Hall. Butler is a death row inmate forced to play a game where he is controlled by some 17 year old kid. Hall is the genius behind the game. As with most movies like this Butler is innocent and Hall had him put behind bars. Butler tries to escape the game and exact revenge. It is language and skin heavy without a great story. 2 penguins.

Lastly we have "The Invention of Lying" starring Ricky Gervais and Jennifer Garner. This movies alternate title is "The Invention of Being Sacrilegious". In a world where everyone only tells the truth Ricky figures out how to lie. It is funny in the first half. But when he tells his dying mother a lie to comfort her and the hospital staff overhear it things go from funny to insulting. He makes up a lot of things to explain his lies, going so far as to write them on 2 pizza boxes. I recommend for the sake of your mind and conscience leave this one alone. I give the first half 3 penguins and the second half 1 penguin so it gets an overall 2 penguin average.

Super Bowl Comercials 2010 Edition

2010-02-09T07:52:00.000-08:00

Well the Super Bowl is over and congratulations to the New Orleans Saints. I guess they will be done celebrating around July 4th and cleaned up in time for Christmas.

The Super Bowl commercials did not disapoint and here are my top 10 favorites.

10. The Doritos at the funeral
9. Bud Light astronomers
8. Budweiser human bridge
7. VW punchbuggy game
6. Bridgestone killer whale
5. Snickers with Betty White and Abe Vigoda
4. NCIS head-slap montage
3. Emerald/Pop Secret awesome + awesome = AWESOMER
2 E trade milkaholic

And the number one commercial goes to

1. Doritos dog shock collar!

Honorable mention to the "Bud Light house", "Bud Light "Lost" spoof", "Leno/Oprah/Letterman", "E trade on a plane", "Google life", "Bridgestone your tires or your wife" and "Coca-Cola and the Simpsons".

Of course they weren't all good. Those Denny's commercials were annoying. Charles Barkley Taco Bell and Brett Favre Hyundai were just dumb. And Career Builder casual Fridays and Dockers without pants were just disturbing.

Woody's Movie Review 38

2010-02-09T07:22:00.000-08:00

Here we go with a new batch of movies from the big and small screen.

First we have "Skinwalkers". This is a werewolf movie that takes place in the modern era. It seems a young boy has the power to turn werewolves back into humans permanently. Well that doesn't sit well with the blood thirsty crowd and they try to kill him ASAP. On his side though is a group of werewolves who are tired of buying so many razors. Massive fights ensue and lots of people and werewolves buy the farm. 3 penguins.

Next we have "District 9". District 9 is a movie about aliens settling in South Africa. Most don't want them there so they are going to be evicted and sent to District 10. Tragedy strikes during the evictions and the movie gets weirder from there. 2 penguins.

Then there was "A Perfect Getaway starring Steve Zahn and Milla Jovovich. These two play a couple on their honeymoon in Hawaii. Too bad they picked the week when there are 2 serial killers taking out newlyweds. It twists and turns and is really good. Although the one line in the movie did make me chuckle. One character says something like "Don't worry nothing bad ever happens in Hawaii. Did they forget a little thing like Pearl Harbor!!! The movie gets 4 penguins.

Finally is "UP" the animated tale of a a man flying his house to South America. The movie starts out sad but does get better. The squirrel joke is fantastic. 5 penguins.

Final YPEL Report

2010-02-09T07:10:00.000-08:00

Well the season is over. It was filled with highs and lows and of course creamy middles.

Since we have been experiencing computer problems here at the YPEL a quick update.

As we know Sweet Chlorine, the Mama Pigs and GTT all have forfeited their final picks.

In the last 2 weeks of the playoffs:

The Ambush went 3-1 & 2-0;
All Ahead Full went 3-1 & 2-0;
And the Highlanders went 2-2 & 0-2.

So with much fan fare here are the final results (ohhh I'm all goose-pimply).

In 6th place was the Golden Trailer Trash with 115-151;
In 5th place was the Mama Pigs at 138-128;
In 4th place was Sweet Chlorine at 164-102;
In 2nd place (tie) was All Ahead Full at 176-90;
In 2nd place (tie) was the Highlanders at 176-90;
And...(insert trumpet sound and confetti dropping here)
In 1st place was the Ambush at 181-85!

Congratulations to all the teams and a well deserved rest.

It should be noted that three teams set season highs for wins the Ambush at 181 (+9), the Highlanders at 176 (+5) and Sweet Chlorine at 164 (+6).

Wildcard Week Of The YPEL

2010-01-15T13:03:00.000-08:00

Well it has all come down to this. Seventeen weeks of prognosticating and here we are. Now it will be noted that Sweet Chlorine, Mama Pigs and Golden Trailer Trash have all taken the cowards way out. Oh I have nothing to play for so I'm not participating. Let's just say there are fines, sanctions, penalties, wet willies and noogies heading their way.

As for the rest of us, this past week went something like this.

The Higlanders went 2-2, and the Ambush and All Ahead Full both went 1-3.

So the totals are:

The Ambush in first with 176-84;
The Highlanders in second at 174-86;
All Ahead Full in third with 171-89.

The PA Farm Show

2010-01-10T08:21:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went with a group of friends (and countless strangers) to the Farm Show. After a little misdirections we arrived at PSECU. After parking and taking a brisk walk (the brisk was for the temperature) over to the arena we stepped inside. Wow, I love going to the Farm Show. Now as is commonplace on my blog I will give you the highlights as I saw them. We started looking around and almost immediately Linda had grabbed someones udders. Luckily they were on a fake cow and they wanted you to touch them. Then Linda almost tackled a guy in a cow costume, is anyone else seeing a pattern? Our next stop was Cory's farmer photo op. Then after looking around we made it to the food court. Oh my, more on the food later. We then headed to where the animals were being kept. We saw alpacas, goats, sheep, cows, bulls, newly hatched chickens, older KFC ready chickens, roosters, ducks, dogs and one huge buffalo. No pigs though, stupid swine flu! One of the bulls we saw was gigantic. He was 7 years old, weighed around 2,000 lbs and from tip to tip of his horns was 91 inches (that's 7 ft 7 in)! We said some ohhs and ahhs and then were off. We then saw some curious sheep. I think they were curious as to why after growing a nice warm coat they would be shaved clean and then made to wear what looked like a speedo. There were many kinds from store bought to home-made. From some of big brother's hand me downs to some that were either capes or monks outfits. Well we headed on our way. The next room had all sorts of things for sale. From kitchen utensils to pig key chains that lit up and oinked, from make your own dip to dill pickle T-shirts. Later we found the butter statue and wondered if there was going to be an attempt at the world's largest slice of toast later. We also stopped at the Air National Guard stand. Why you ask? Well on their tent was in big letters 1-800-TOGOANG. Now in our group in Angela, who goes by Ang. So when you call ask for Ang I'm sure they will think it is hilarious. But remember to dial "800" not "900" because the "900" number is something completely different. Well it was getting late so we started to make our way out. We stopped in to the arena and saw Margie "I still have unread emails from 2002" Tupper. She was there with her Mom and and a friend. When she checks her e-mail she is going to feel silly. When we got back to the food court we grabbed a quick bite. Among the things we ate; the vegetable soup, the broccoli cheese soup, the chocolate milkshake, fruit smoothies, fried cheese cubes, a large hot dog thing, a tilapia sandwich and various free samples all day. But as much walking as we did I think we broke even. I did see some guy passed out on the floor and decided not to have the pork sandwich. As we left we stopped for a couple pics me on the tire of a John Deere tractor and Kim doing her best Vanna White impression. We got out and headed for home, all in all a great day.

An Ode To A Pair Of Boots

2010-01-10T08:00:00.000-08:00

Recently I bought a new pair of boots. Normally this wouldn't be cause for celebration or a posting on my blog, however this is different. The boots I was replacing have become almost like good friends. They are comfortable and well broken in. They are weathered and tough. And I have had them since I was in high school. For those doing the math that is 19 years. I should get some freebies or something from Wolverine. I mean what a selling point. Picture the commercial. A barren wasteland is shown, then a picture of a mountain top, then a snowy tundra and finally a city street. And as this happens the voice over guy (I'm thinking James Earl Jones) says when everything else in your life crumbles and fades away, you can count on your Wolverine boots. Cut, print and send it to the commercial awards show. I like my new boots but appreciate all my old boots have done. They have seen graduations, national parks, vacations, oppressive heat, bone chilling cold, amusement parks, long drives and short walks (and vice versa). They have carried me through many states, living in 6 of them, ready at a moments notice to do their duty. Good times and bad they were always the same. I will still wear them occasionally, however the crack in the sole means no rain or snow, but if the weather is right I may still take a walk with some old friends (oh that could be another commercial).

Week Seventeen Of The YPEL

2010-01-06T10:14:00.000-08:00

What a week in the YPEL. Last week of the regular season and things got shaken up a bit.

After the Eagles, Giants and Bengals all got embarrassed and Chicago won (seriously though it was Detroit) I calculated the scores and here are the results.

The Ambush went 13-3; The Highlanders and Sweet Chlorine matched up at 12-4; the Mama Pigs were 11-5; the GTT had 10-6 and falling from grace was All Ahead Full at 9-7.

As far as the season goes:

In first is the Ambush at 175-81,
In second is the Highlanders at 172-84,
In third is All Ahead Full at 170-86,
In fourth is Sweet Chlorine at 164-92,
In fifth is the Mama Pigs at 138-118,
In LAST is the GTT at 115-141.

Bring on the playoffs.

2009 A Year In Review

2010-01-03T09:43:00.001-08:00

Well 2009 is gone and it is time as many do to take a reflective look back at the year that was. The year started out not surprisingly in January. Things were good but the clouds of trouble were gathering on the horizon. In February I lost my job, well I know where it is I just can't go anymore. I have been laid off before so the news wasn't so bad. The fact that I am still unemployed is definitely bad news. The hardest part for me right now is trust. Trust that things will work out for the best. Now things got better in June after my Penguins beat the Flyers, Capitals and Hurricanes to put them back in the Stanley Cup Final for the second straight year. They would again face the Red Wings and it would be a tough 7 games. In the end after a diving save the Penguins raised the cup and were the Champions of the NHL. I yelled till I was hoarse. It was awesome! In other sports news the Phillies made it back to the World Series. They fell to the Yankees (Man I hate those guys!). Penn State had another good season and won a muddy 19-17 Capital One Bowl game. The Cincinnati Bengals are headed to the playoffs after sweeping their division. They play with heavy hearts after the loss of Chris Henry. A great player getting his life on track gone to soon.

I have started helping out with 56 at LCBC. 56 is the ministry that helps 5th and 6th graders. I have been getting to know some cool 5th graders and some adult volunteers as well. Insert your own "Now you are with people your own age joke" here.

My Dad is still working for Lancaster labs and my Mom is enjoying year one of retirement. My Sister and her Husband live in Florida and are happy there with their two Boston Terriers. My Brother lives in Seattle and we pray for him daily. I myself am still living in and enjoying my house. I have found part time work at Autopart International as a delivery driver. And appreciate the extra money and getting out of the house a couple days a week.

Now of course there are things I would like to have, like an endless supply of spray cheese or maybe a pet Giraffe named Juan. But I think when you have your family, good friends, the occasional Yuengling and some wet bottom Shoe Fly Pie; well then life is pretty darn good. I would be remiss if I didn't try to make myself better this year some here are my resolutions for 2010. 1)Watch less reality TV, 2) Stop stalking Jennifer Aniston and 3) Cut down on my Lima Bean intake. These are going to be tough but after going 3 for 3 last year I think I have the motivation to succeed.

So thanks to all my family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances and annoyances in my life. You know what category you belong in.

New Year's Eve 2009

2010-01-01T17:26:00.000-08:00

After a few discussions we decided to spend New Year's Eve indoors. Avoid the crazies and the crowds and spend time with friends. We met at my friend Ang's house and prepared for the evening. I started by firing up the grill. Yes, I was out in the rain grilling chicken. And I only lost one eyebrow, and that is a win in my book. Anyway we started by playing Pictionary and discovered we are not good artists by any means. Though apparently the way you DRAW rhymes with is by saying out loud, "How do you draw rhymes with?". We then learned many new definitions by playing Balderdash though we didn't use the board. After that we watched Greg and Kylene preform an architecture demonstration. Then played how to stump your friends and influence people. Somewhere in there the new year clicked in and we toasted 2009, hoped for 2010 and felt bad for Dick Clark. Then it was time for the main event. In this corner various sheets of blank paper and several pens and in the other corner 8 tired, inebriated, non-medicated, creative friends. We were going to play Giraffes don't make good pets. To say that we all had fun is true. To say we were all confused is true. To say we warned people to go to the bathroom before we started is true, why they didn't listen I don't know. At one point we were able to see by the light of Greg's face. I was a little concerned that he may pass out. The highlight for me was when "I have a headache" became "Men pay money to see women cook". Get out your ones fellas and stuff them in her apron. Well after that we cleaned up and some drove home, some stayed over and some stumbled home (I think). Anyway thanks to everybody for being there and not getting salmonella. See you next year, wait I mean this year no...hold on. Let's see carry the three, divide by... Oh forget it I'll let you know.

Week Sixteen Of The YPEL

2009-12-30T07:22:00.000-08:00

Well week 16 has come and gone and the standings are closer than ever. Yes the standings are closer than Dom DeLuise is to the free all you can eat buffet.

Week 16 had All Ahead Full and the Highlanders go 11-5,
The Ambush and Sweet Chlorine go 10-6,
And the GTT and the Mama Pigs go 6-10 and 5-11 in that order.

And those results have compacted the standings;

In first is the Ambush at 162-78 with a one game lead on...
All Ahead Full at 161-79 with a one game lead on...
The Highlanders at 160-80 with an eight game lead on...
Sweet Chlorine at 152-88 with an insurmountable (25 game) lead on...
The Mama Pigs at 127-113 with a mathematically eliminated (22 game) lead on...
The Golden Trailer Trash at 105-135 (better luck next season Fill).

So one more week till the playoffs. And your picks this week are VERY crucial to your standings. Have fun.

Woody's Movie Review 37

2009-12-25T16:14:00.000-08:00

Today we have some interesting movies so let's get started.

First is the movie "Lady Killers" starring Tom Hanks. Hanks plays the leader of a group of four men who are trying to rob a riverboat casino. To do this they must be in the house of an elderly woman who grows more suspicious with their hi-jinks as time goes by. Then when the end is in sight things take several turns for the worse. All in all very entertaining, 4 penguins.

I also saw "The Maiden Heist" starring Christopher Walken, Morgan Freeman and William H Macy. These three play security guards at a museum. When they learn the museum is shipping some of their favorite pieces to Europe they do the natural thing. They decide to steal them and replace them with fakes. All does not go according to plan but it does get some good laughs. 4 penguins.

Next we have "Monsters Vs Aliens". Though it was funny in some parts I was expecting more. 3 penguins.

Lastly is "The Taking of Pelham 123" starring Denzel Washington and John Travolta. I have seen the original and it was better. This time out the effects were better and the story was pretty much the same. However I thought the ending was not good at all. 3 penguins.

Week Fifteen Of The YPEL

2009-12-25T15:53:00.000-08:00

Week fifteen was average, so average that 4 teams tied with identical 9-7 records.

They were;
All Ahead Full, the Ambush, the Highlanders and the GTT.

The Mama Pigs did slightly better at 10-5,
And Sweet Chlorine was slightly worse at 8-8.

As for season totals not much has changed.
At 152-72 is the Ambush,
At 150-74 is All Ahead Full,
At 149-75 is the Highlanders,
At 142-82 is Sweet Chlorine,
At 122-102 is the Mama Pigs,
And at 99-125 is the GTT.

Merry Christmas to everyone from the Commissioner and his entire staff.

Shopping, Seniors And Santa

2009-12-21T11:37:00.000-08:00

Well unless you live in a cave or are in Mexico on vacation you know we got a lot of snow recently. Friday night I went to bed and the streets were clear not a flurry or flake in sight. But on Saturday morning the word was out it was going to be a snow flake reunion and everyone was invited. By the time it was done they were packed in 14" deep. Well I got up on Saturday did some laundry got dressed cleaned off my Jeep and headed out. I was going to meet freinds to shop for a retirement home. We decided to do that instead of having a secret Santa exchange, I guess I'll have to wait one more year for that Cledus T Judd CD. Anyway I arrived at my friend Ang's house and when I asked if we were still going shopping she replied in a nice way, NO! I said "Hey I have 4 wheel drive." And she became a little more willing. When I called the third member of our shopping tour de force, Kim and asked her why she wasn't there yet she asked "Are you insane?!" Well after a little convincing Ang & I headed off to Ephrata. We picked up Kim and headed for K-Mart. We found some good bargains even though we forgot the condoms. In this retirement home there is 1 man and 21 women, I;m just saying. We then went to Dollar Tree and I found out that they are the upper crust of dollar stores. We made out pretty good there too. We needed some poinsettias so we headed for Esbenshade's and the Christmas miracle part of our story. When we arrived the place was closed. I saw that the door to the wholesale dept was open and ran in to check it out. After pouring on the charm, showing a nice smile and assuring the lady these flowers would not end up on the black market she let us in. Now by let us in I mean they let us into the greenhouse, alone, to pick out our poinsettias. Well we grabbed 22 nice flowers, and said a quick prayer for the one that Kim killed. We checked out and were on our way. The trip back to Kim's was made a little difficult by the windows being fogged up. Ang said either my defogger sucks or she is full of hot air. Seeing as how I only had the center console between us I said no comment. Although if you know Ang I'll let you be the judge. We got back and put the gifts in bags with tissue paper, and then had lunch. I found out some things at lunch; 1)Yogurt is not cheese, 2)Cream cheese is cheese, 3)England was cancelled for a while, 4)Though that last one may have been Christmas was canceled for a while in England & 5)Spray cheese is not in the top 5 cheeses in the US though we all feel it should be. Well I took Ang home then after shoveling myself a space at my house relaxed inside.

On Sunday I met Ang and Dave and we headed up to Ephrata. Although not right away sometimes starting my Jeep is a two person operation. We got to Kim's loaded up the gifts and tried to leave. Again I had trouble starting my Jeep. And I gave up I told them go ahead I have to get this fixed, as I said that I turned the key it started and off we went. On the way we decided that for some women tarantulas are a deterrent to relationships. We also decided that for all men cat strollers offer the same deterrent. We arrived at Cornwall Manor and delivered gifts to the delight of the residents. Though some were dreaming they were delighted. Then we went to Red Robbin for dinner and Ang finally decide to call Jacqui. The 5 of us went to Christmas Candy Lane looking forward to a good time. But that plan was put on hold when Jacqui's Mini (Mobile If Not Inclement weather) got stuck in the parking lot. Ten minutes, 4 wet gloves and three of Kim's teeth later the car was free. We got inside and had a lot of fun at the Claw, the Bumper Cars, seeing Reindeer, the Pirate Ship, drinking hot chocolate (for pushing a car) and of course the Merry Go Round. Am I forgetting anything...Oh yeah; THE TRAIN! Last year we had the Turnpike ride that you DO NOT want to miss. This year was the Train. We rode the train 3 times. Was it that exciting? Not really. But on the first ride I noticed a figure of a woman in white lights with an out of place red light on her breast. I mentioned this to the group and they said there is no way that was true. So we rode it again. Now Ang decided there had to be a wager on this. I said I was so confident that if I was wrong I would sit through "The Sound of Music". They lept at the chance and agreed without knowing my movie. Well when we got to the lady in almost all white Ang was strangely silent. I could tell she was trying to come up with some explanation but maybe the cold had slowed her down a bit. Kim just said "Yup it's on her boob". Even though Rudolph hiding in her jacket or a red tipped ski pole sound good. Then we rode the train again this time trying to capture the woman on film. No luck though. Well we finished up and headed home. Well we did, Jacqui may still be in the parking lot. So thanks to Kim, Ang, Dave, Jacqui, Cornwall Manor, Kim's Grandma, K-Mart featuring Michael, Dollar Tree, Esbenshade, Red Robin and Hershey Park for a wonderful 2 days. Oh and of course God for the great layer of snow. Now I just have one question what am I going to have the girls watch for my movie? Any suggestions?

Week Fourteen Of The YPEL

2009-12-18T11:29:00.000-08:00

Well week fourteen has come and gone and the standings are tighter than "Fat Jack's" belt on Thanksgiving.

This weeks results;
The Highlanders and Sweet Chlorine both had 12-4 weeks (the commissioner's office has started a nepotism investigation).
The Ambush went 11-5,
All Ahead Full had an OK week at 8-8,
The Mama Pigs hang in with 7-9,
And the GTT oh my 4-12.

So the season standings have...
The Ambush back in first at 143-65
All Ahead Full in second at 141-67
The Highlanders in third at 140-68
Sweet Chlorine in fourth at 134-74
Then there is a 22 win gap to the Mama Pigs in fifth at 112-96
And of course the GTT at 90-118

Three more weeks and a very close race.

Weird News

2009-12-14T11:30:00.000-08:00

Here are something I found in the local paper.

1) There is a man on trial in Florida for breaking into a house wearing a gas mask; stabbing two people, killing one of them. His lawyer has asked for a makeup artist to cover up the man's neo-nazi tattoos because they may cause the jury to think ill of him. "Never mind that murder/attempted murder thing it is his tattoos that freak me out!" Of course the kicker is that he can't afford to pay for the makeup artist so the state is shelling out $150.00 a day for the service.

2) Some guy wrote a letter to the editor titled "More violence in Lancaster County". He states that there was a killing that happened in the country and the picture was on the front page of the paper. I didn't remember that so I read on. Apparently this guy's heart was on full bleed for a deer. I say boo-hoo (heavy sarcasm intended).

3) A small article told how many members of certain companies received large bonuses in 2008. Between JP Morgan Chase, Goldman Sachs, Citigroup Inc., Merrill Lych & Co., Morgan Stanley and Bank of America Corp. there were 4,131 bonuses. Each bonus was at least 1 million dollars. Total bonuses $4,131,000,000 (that's billion with a "B"). I hope those guys all get coal this year.

4) Lastly a nice story especially in light of #3. It seems that the Salvation Army held a raffle to raise funds. Among the options for the grand prize was a $10,000 gift card to Lowes. When the man who won was informed of his good fortune he had one reply. "Take it back." The gift card was returned and the salvation Army got a $10,000 donation. As an added note the man asked to be anonymous. Kind of makes you feel good that there are good people out there. And turning down 10K makes you an awesome person in my book.

Wreaths Across America 2009

2009-12-13T15:43:00.000-08:00

This past weekend I went to Washington DC / Arlington National Cemetery to participate in Wreaths Across America. This is my third year doing so. Wreaths Across America is an organization that places wreaths on veterans graves around the Christmas season. This happens across the country and around the world. 15,000 wreaths were placed at Arlington and estimates of 300,000 wreaths total. It is an honor and a privilege to participate. I will get back to that a little later.

I left Friday morning and got to my hotel. After I checked in I bundled up and went to the metro. After a short ride I arrived a short walk from the Smithsonian Museums. I decided to go into the Natural history museum this year. Although I think their math is quite a bit off, it was a nice museum. Apparently the earth is aging faster than I am. When I was in high school they said it was millions of years old, now it is billions. Maybe I have been out of high school too long. Anyway I got done there and took a stroll to the Air & Space museum and caught up with an old friend, LGM-30G. Though I call him Minuteman III. It is still odd to see my job in a museum. After some quality time with my fungicide treated cork buddy I headed back to the motel.

The next day I got up and enjoyed a complimentary breakfast of scrambled eggs, potatoes, sausage gravy and OJ (orange juice not Simpson). I headed over to Arlington and there was a big crowd. We all gathered and listened to several speakers. Even the president did a fly over. Two speakers really stood out to me. The first was a Chaplain. Before he said a prayer he said "Join me in the privilege of prayer". How often do we take prayer for granted, but is a privilege. And those who now rest at Arlington are a big part of the reason we can pray. The second was the leader of the American Gold Star Mothers. If you don't know back in WWI people would hang a flag with a blue star on t to indicate a family member fighting in the war. If that service member was killed then the star was changed to gold. She spoke and said that part of grief is fear. Fear that her son will be forgotten. She said no amount of chiseled stone or dedicated benches could allay that fear. Then she got a little emotional and said that seeing all of the volunteers, probably about 8,000 this year, there to participate; she said that had put the fear to rest. Wow even I got a little choked up. Well once the speeches were done we set about our task. About 90 min later it was complete and Arlington looked awesome. They also had a separate ceremony and some boxes of wreaths at section 60. Section 60 is where the newest members of Arlington's family are laid to rest. Their families were given the chance to place wreaths in that section. I finished up and headed home. After feeling humble, somber, respectful, patriotic, sad, grateful, proud and privileged I drove off feeling honored and glad to be a small part in the day. I don't want to go any time soon but when my time comes, oh that I could be remembered in Arlington, and one day have someone lay a wreath for me.

Week Thirteen Of The YPEL

2009-12-09T16:59:00.000-08:00

This was an interesting week as the standings continue to change.

Leading the pack was All Ahead Full with a 13-3 week,
Fighting for second was the Ambush, Sweet Chlorine and oh my goodness the GTT all with 11-5 weeks,
And in a 2 way battle at the bottom was the Highlanders and the Mama Pigs both with 9-7.

Now for the totals;
In first is All Ahead Full at 133-59,
In second is the Ambush at 132-60 (-1),
In third is the Highlanders at 128-64 (-5),
In fourth is Sweet Chlorine at 122-70 (-11),
In fifth is the Mam Pigs 105-87 (-28),
In sixth (where he is comfortable) is the GTT at 86-106 (-47).

There you have it, it is going to be an interesting 4 weeks.

Woody's Movie Review 36

2009-12-09T16:41:00.000-08:00

OK time for another trip towards the silver screen.

First we have "The Chaos Experiment" starring Val Kilmer. Val Kilmer plays a man who believes the world will end in 2012. His theory is that (get ready) global warming will kill us all. To prove his point he lures 6 strangers to a sauna by way of telling them it is a dating service. Well they are locked in, and you can guess the rest. My rating is 1 penguin.

Speaking of 2012 I went to see "2012" starring John Cusack, Oliver Platt and Woody Harrelson. In this one the world is going to end because the Mayans forgot to update their calendar. Dang Mayans. Anyway it is the typical disaster flick, doom is coming so a plucky band of protagonists races to safety encountering danger and expensive special effects at every turn. I gave it 4 penguins for enjoyment but not believability.

While we are on the subject of disaster how about Gene Hackman in "The Poseidon Adventure". Luxury cruise liner rocked upside down by giant wave. Sorry folks no more shuffleboard. It gets 5 penguins. As does the sequel starring Telly "Kojack" Savalas.

Next we have one of my favorites "The Towering Inferno" starring Paul Newman and Steve McQueen. Sometimes you just shouldn't trust family when it comes to building a sky scraper. 5 penguins.

And lastly we have a movie that many "critics" hated but I thought was good. "The Postman" starring Kevin Costner. Disease has wiped out most of the population and while looking for food Costner stumbles on an old postman's uniform. So that's where they get the clever title. Anyway the con for food becomes a revolt against an evil horde. Why is it hordes are always evil? Anyway I give it 5 penguins.

Week Twelve Of The YPEL

2009-12-01T16:48:00.000-08:00

Good week all around and a tie is broken.

First week 12;

The Ambush came in first with 13-3,
The Highlanders and All Ahead Full both had 12-4,
Sweet Chlorine had 10-6,
The GTT edged out the next competitor with a 9-7,
And the Mama Pigs went 8-8.

For the season;
The Ambush now in front at 121-55,
Closely following is All Ahead Full at 120-56,
Closely following is the Highlanders at 119-57,
Closely following is Sweet Chlorine at 111-65,
Then there is the Mama Pigs at 96-80,
And of course the GTT at 75-101.

Nyuck, Nyuck, Nyuck

2009-11-30T11:00:00.000-08:00

That's right its Three Stooges time. Saturday I went to the Stoogeum (Stooges + museum). I had a great time looking around. There were all sorts of memorabilia. There were movie posters, puppets, games, comics and even a Stooges Art Gallery. They even had an arcade featuring Stooge pinball and a Stooge video game. Throughout the museum there were TVs playing a constant loop of Stooge shorts. At one of the TVs I stopped to watch Moe, Larry and Curly preform their usual hi jinks. As I watched a young boy, maybe 7 or 8 watched from the floor. As Curly go poked in the butt with a spear he let out a big laugh, another Stooge fan was created. All in all it was an awesome display of Stooge stuff. So I say thank you to Moe Howard, Larry Fine, Curly Howard, Joe Besser, Joe "Curly Joe" DeRita and yes Shemp Howard for all that you have given us.

Week Eleven Of The YPEL

2009-11-26T07:40:00.000-08:00

As week eleven has come and gone the results are in.

The GTT and Mama Pigs stayed true to themselves posting records of 9-7 and 5-11 respectively.

Everyone else, yes EVERYONE else posted identical 11-5 records.

Results for the season look like last week.

First place goes to All Ahead Full and the Ambush at 108-52.
Third goes to the Highlanders at 107-53.
In fourth is Sweet Chlorine at 101-59.
Fifth is the Mama Pigs at 88-72.
And of course the GTT at 66-94.

Two items of note; first Sweet Chlorine passed the 400 win barrier last week & second the Ambush passed the 2,000 win barrier this week. Congratulations!

Happy Thanksgiving.

New Phrase Of The Day

2009-11-18T11:00:00.000-08:00

Recently I asked my sister if she had accomplished a task she was trying to get done. She said "No, every time I get home and lay on the couch I forget about it until the next day when I can't do it.". It is because of this phenomena that I have coined a new phrase. "Horizontal Amnesia". This occurs at any time when your body becomes prone and you forget to do something.

Example
Bob "Hey Ted did you you call the ambulance? I'm bleeding pretty good from this gunshot wound."

Ted "Oh, sorry Bob I laid down on the couch to watch TV, and I must have gotten Horizontal Amnesia."

Try this new phrase today, and don't forget to...hey NCIS is on, it must not have been important.

Week Ten Of The YPEL

2009-11-18T10:52:00.000-08:00

This week it is much ado about ties.

The weekly results have...
All Ahead Full, the Ambush and the Highlanders all at 10-5,
The Mama Pigs come in next at 9-6,
Sweet Chlorine edged out GTT by one at 8-7,
And of course the GTT at 7-8.

As for the season,

In a tie for first it is All Ahead Full and the Ambush at 97-47,
One game back in third is the Highlanders at 96-48,
Seven out of first is sweet Chlorine at 90-54,
Fourteen games from first is the Mama Pigs,
And a whopping forty games out of first is the GTT at 57-87.

When Is Veteran's Day?

2009-11-10T19:16:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow by all US calendars is Veteran's Day. It has been since May 13th, 1938 when it was made a legal holiday. November 11th was chosen because it is day the treaty with Germany was signed, the 11th hour; the 11th day of the 11th month. Today people still take time on that day at 11:00 for a moment of silence to honor Veterans and pray for their safety. However I ask is that the only Veteran's Day? Is it only Veteran's day when there are huge sales at the mall or deals at your local car dealership? And if it weren't for those things would Veteran's Day be just another Wednesday? Well I say if Veteran's Day is a day that we remember those serving and those who have served and we honor the sacrifices of those who paid the ultimate price for freedom then Veteran's day is many days of the year. Days like December 7th, October 28th, June 6th, April 12th, December 13th, February 23rd & September 2nd. Do you recognize these dates? Well I'll help. 12/7/41 the attack on Pearl Harbor; 10/28/62 the day the Cuban Missile Crisis ended; 6/6/44 the Landings at Normandy; 4/12/1861 the day the Civil War started; 12/13/03 Saddam Hussein was captured alive; 2/23/45 Flag raised at Iwo Jima and 9/2/45 Japan surrenders aboard the USS Missouri.

I had to look some of them up, so don't feel bad. My point is that we remember, care about and pray for our men and women in the military. No matter what your political views or stance on the war they need and deserve our support.

I would also like to say if you know any Veterans or if you see someone with a hat or license plate say "Thank You". If they are like me they won't know entirely how to respond; but whatever they say chances are it will mean a lot.

Lastly I say Thank You to companies like Cloister Car Wash, Golden Corral, Outback Steakhouse and Applebee's for making it a point to say Thank You. And "THANK YOU!" to all those in the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, Coast Guard, Reserves and National Guard past and present. Thank you for everything you do, that allows us to freely enjoy each day.

Week Nine Of The YPEL

2009-11-10T15:40:00.000-08:00

Well week nine has come and gone and the results are in.

In a tie for first were the Highlanders and the Ambush with identical 9-4 records.
All Ahead Full continues to steam along at 8-5.
Sweet Chlorine and the GTT (Yes I said the GTT!) came in with 7-6 records.
And somebody has to be last and this week it is the Mama Pigs at 6-7.

So for the 3rd straight week we have a different leader.

In a tie for first it is All Ahead Full and the Ambush at 87-42.
In third and keeping up the brisk pace is the Highlanders at 86-43.
In fourth and we see her in our mirrors is Sweet Chlorine at82-47.
In fifth and still in contention is the Mama Pigs at 74-55.
And last but well...last is the GTT at 50-79.

Remember there is a Thursday game this week.

Ghost Tour In Lancaster

2009-11-05T15:20:00.000-08:00

Now let me give the following disclaimer. Any ghosts you see or hear are NOT MY FAULT! Read at your own risk.

Last weekend some friends and I got together for a Halloween adventure. Our first stop was Annie Bailey's for dinner. Except in my case I think it was more of a tease than a meal. I ordered scallops. Let me say I love scallops, they are my favorite seafood item. Well when my plate came there was more plate than food. There were 3 scallops and some weed pretending to be broccoli. Appetizing yes; satisfying NO. After dinner we all met at Penn Square in Lancaster. We started our tour and I learned some interesting things about Lancaster. The first thing was it is rumoured that the statue on the top of the monument at Penn Square once faced south. When the Union won the Civil War however it was turned around to face north. Next we stopped across the street from the Pressroom. It is here that the spirit of the highest ranking soldier killed on either side of the Civil War lurks. He apparently is pining for a lost love. Then we went to the Fulton where the spirits are too numerous to name. Two of note; while actors practice on stage they hear applause and a couple has been seen in the catwalks arguing. Then we went to the back of the Fulton to read a plaque marking the site of the Conestoga Indian Massacre. One day some locals went out and slaughtered most of the Conestoga Indian Tribe. The remaining Indians came into Lancaster to seek shelter. The were provided that at the Lancaster City Prison (now the Fulton). Then one night those same locals got in and slaughtered the rest of the Indians going so far as to drag their bodies through the streets. Those responsible never got punished even though Benjamin Franklin came to Lancaster and pleaded for justice to be done. This was the first I ever heard of this and I guess every city is capable of having a dark past. There were other stories but these stick out in my mind. So take the ghost tour it is interesting and in my opinion harmless.

So thanks to all that went; Decomposing Dave, AHHHH! Aimee, Bludgeoned Bubba, Gruesome Greg, Twitching Tracy, Killer Kim, Lurching Linda, KO ed Kylene, ANGel, Crushed Cory, Accidental Amanda and Woody the Walking Undead...BOO!

Week Eight Of The YPEL

2009-11-03T17:28:00.000-08:00

Well the rankings got thrown into a blender and we have a new pecking order. But first this weeks results.

Starting at the bottom the GTT set a new standard with a 3-10 week.
Next up was the Highlanders at 5-8.
Then the Ambush at 7-6.
Then a tie between All Ahead Full and the Mama Pigs at 8-5.
And the Leader of the week was Sweet Chlorine at 9-4.

Now the blender:

In first it is All Ahead Full at 79-37,
In second is the Ambush at 78-38,
In third is the Highlanders at 77-39,
In fourth is Sweet Chlorine at 75-41,
In fifth is the Mama Pigs at 68-48,
And then the GTT at 43-73.

Woody's Movie Review 35

2009-11-03T17:17:00.000-08:00

This is a Halloween themed entry. To get in the spirit I watched some "scary movies".

First I saw "Lost Boys" starring Kiefer Sutherland and Jason Patric. Two kids move to a new town with their mom. One becomes a vampire to get the girl. If this was meant to be scary I must have missed that part. 3 penguins.

Then was "Lost Boys the Tribe". Same story minus the mom. Not any better than its predecessor. 2 penguins.

Then a good one "What Lies Beneath", starring Michelle Pfieffer and Harrison Ford. They play a married couple trying to adjust after their daughter leaves for college. However it is difficult to adjust when a ghost is trying to get justice. Creepy and good. 4 penguins.

Last we have "Twilight". I was hoping for a good vampires walk among us movie, and while it was that sort-of. It was also a teenage angst and misguided love story. Yuck! 2 penguins.

Week Seven Of The YPEL

2009-10-28T19:26:00.000-07:00

A good week for some not so much for others;

In the top spot was the Highlanders at 11-2
Second went to All Ahead Full at 10-3
Third was a tie between the Ambush and Sweet Chlorine
Fifth was the Mama Pigs at 5-8; one better than
The GTT at 4-9.

So for totals we have a new leader;
First place goes to the Highlanders at 72-31
In a tie for second All Ahead Full and the Ambush both with 71-32
Next we have Sweet Chlorine at 66-37
Then the Mama Pigs are at 60-43
And in last the GTT with 40-63

In a career wins note; this week saw All Ahead Full cross the 2,000 win plateau and the Highlanders cross the 400 win plateau. Congrats.

Week Six Of The YPEL

2009-10-21T15:37:00.000-07:00

Well week six has come and gone and here are the results.

At 6-8 was the GTT
At 7-7 was All Ahead Full
At 8-6 were the Highlanders and the Ambush
Now the exciting part
At 9-5 was Sweet Chlorine
And at 10-5 (yes we all got beat by a dog) was the Mama Pigs

So for the totals we have:
The Ambush (63-27), All Ahead Full (61-29), the Highlanders (61-29), Sweet Chlorine (58-32), the Mama Pigs (55-35) and good ol' Fill the GTT (36-54).

Woody's Movie Review 34

2009-10-19T12:20:00.000-07:00

OK here we go;

First we have "Gran Torino" starring Clint Eastwood. Eastwood plays a man who has just lost his wife and now lives alone in a neighborhood with drastically changing and different demographics. He befriends and helps a young Hmong boy and eventually changes that neighborhood. He is gruff and set in his ways there is good bit of language and racial slurs, but it is an excellent movie. 5 penguins.

Next is "Rollercoaster". In this movie a man looking for big money ($1 million) starts terrorizing theme parks across the country. California, Pittsburgh and Busch Gardens in Virginia. He toys with the police dept. to get what he wants and eventually really gets it. 3 penguins.

Then there was "JCVD" starring (follow the acronym) Jean-Claude Van Damme yes the Mussels from Brussels is back. This time he stretches by playing himself. As a down and out actor he gets caught up in a robbery; and people aren't sure if he is in on it or not. Can he save the day, is he robbing the post office can this jump start his career. Time will tell, 3 penguins.

Last we have "Wait Until Dark" starring Audrey Hepburn and Alan Arkin. Hepburn plays a woman that recently lost her sight in a car accident. Her husband returns from a trip to Canada with a doll given to him by a strange woman. Inside the doll; heroin. I blame the free health care system in Canada. Anyway three men show up to con this blind woman and get their drugs. It is really good and Hepburn does a great job. 5 Penguins

I Vote For The Largest Caliber

2009-10-14T10:26:00.000-07:00

The Lancaster City Mayoral elections are coming up in less than a month. I am sure there are issues that will sway voters. There are those who will vote for a particular party. I however am voting for security. To quote Bruce Campbell from the film Army of Darkness; "Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun.". And who wouldn't want a mayor with his own cannon collection. And they are in working order, don't believe me come to Longs Park for 4th of July. I mean really if things go bad and York, Reading or heaven forbid Columbia start getting out of line I think a couple cannon balls sent there way should restore order REAL QUICK. So get out there and vote, because a vote for Charlie Smithgall is a vote for high explosives.

This statement was made as a private citizen and not an employee or volunteer for the Charlie Smithgall campaign.

Week Five Of The YPEL

2009-10-14T10:19:00.000-07:00

Well it's week five and things dropped a little from last week.

This weeks results...

The weekly totals are led by...
All Ahead Full with a 10-4 record
Next we had the Ambush with a 9-5 record
The Highlanders came in at 8-6
Then the logjam; Sweet Chlorine, the Mama Pigs and GTT all had records of 7-7.

So the totals are
The Ambush (55-21), All Ahead Full (54-22), the Highlanders (53-23), Sweet Chlorine (49-27), the Mama Pigs (45-31) and of course GTT at (30-46).

I won't say the GTT are eliminated from contention yet, but it's getting close.

Signs Signs Everywhere Signs

2009-10-12T12:53:00.000-07:00

Since I have been driving a lot lately I have noticed some interesting signs around. Here are some of the better (or worse) ones.

On a church marque - This Weeks Sermon Together (I guess those apart sermons weren't a big success)

Outside a car wash in Manheim - No One Is Ever Really Normal (Well I knew that one)

Same car wash other side of the sign - When In Doubt Mumble (Bob Dylan's motto)

Out side a convenience store - Now serving FOOD; Breakfast Lunch Dinner (OK what were you serving before?)

And on a store in Lancaster - The store is called Bed and Bath Affair. That is on the top of the window, on the bottom are items they sell. They list sheets and comforters, clearly "Bed". They list towels and bathmats, clearly "Bath". Then they have lingerie, I guess that goes with the "Affair".

Have you seen any curious signs?

Week Four Of The YPEL

2009-10-07T10:59:00.000-07:00

Well we are working out some controversy from week two. However we have the week 4 results and we will call the totals "un-official".

Week 4 saw another good prognostication by most, maybe next week Fill.

At 13-1 was the Highlanders (dang ravens)
At 12-2 were All Ahead Full and Sweet Chlorine
At 11-3 were the Ambush and the Mama Pigs (D'oh!)
At 5-9 was GTT

The "un-official totals" are...
In 1st the Ambush at 46-16
In 2nd the Highlanders at 45-17
In 3rd All Ahead Full at 44-18
In 4th Sweet Chlorine at 42-20
In 5th the Mama Pigs at 38-24
And the GTT with 23-39 (all that concentrating for nothing).

This Is Lager Talk, Now What's Grindin' Your Gears?

2009-10-07T10:47:00.000-07:00

Well here we are with another installment of Lager Talk (patent pending). Today I say to all of you "sports fans", Pick A Team Already! This is quite possibly the greatest time of year. College football has taken over Saturdays, Sundays belong to the NFL and NASCAR, and Hockey is on everyday of the week. Now of course the playoffs for baseballs top prize start soon, but I'm not a huge fan of the nine-inning bore. Now what could possibly be my point? Simple there are way too many people out there who like sports but are too wishy washy to pick a team and stick with it. Or those who are Penn State blue during good time but retreat to the background when times are tough. Hey loser if your team is doing good or bad, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! So man up (or woman up) and cheer your team no matter what. And what is with those of you who have a number of teams you like. Here's a hint goober pick a team and let that be that. And for all you Packer/Jet/(and I predict) Viking fans out there, one quarterback does not make your team. Those teams existed before and will continue after. Now you might be saying "How can you be an authority on such things. Let me say my allegiance to the Penn State Nittany Lions/Cincinnati Bengals/Pittsburgh Penguins has suffered through many well documented hard times and I'm still here. So pick a team, grab a Yuengling order some Papa John's and grab a seat on the couch till spring.

Week Three Of The YPEL

2009-09-29T17:06:00.000-07:00

After last week we were all looking to rebound. Boy did we ever.

In a four way tie for first this week with records of 13-3 are, the Ambush, All Ahead Full, the Highlanders and Sweet Chlorine. In fifth was the Mama Pigs and of course in last GTT with a 6-10 week. As for the totals we have:

In first the Ambush at 35-13
In a tie for second we have All Ahead Full and the Highlanders at 32-16
In fourth is Sweet Chlorine at 30-18
In fifth is the Mama Pigs at 27-21
And the Golden Trailer Trash come in last again at 18-30

Opposites?

2009-09-28T16:09:00.000-07:00

What a week this was. Full to overflowing with stuff. With lows and highs. A low being the loss on Saturday night followed by a high on Sunday afternoon. Anyway to the aforementioned opposites. I don't know that they are 180 degree opposites but they are definitely in different ball parks, of different states, in different countries. You'll see.

Wednesday night I went to the Chameleon Club for the first time. What got me downtown on a Wednesday night? Why the 25th anniversary tour of Stryper. If you don't know Stryper is a Christian rock band that was big when I was in high school. And they are touring not only the US but around the world. As far as the concert it was awesome! I got there and ran into a couple of guys I knew. Not literally of course. Anyway I shot the breeze a little with them while the opening acts were playing. First was Manic Drive then came Flightplan. Flightplan featured a son of the lead singer for Stryper. Stryper came out and played so loud at one point one of the speakers caught on fire. A friend of mine (Dave) said the concert made him feel 15 again. Maybe that's why he was worried about that geometry test. When the concert was over I walked outside to find that it was pouring rain. I made a dash for my Jeep got soaked and headed home. About 2 blocks from my house it stopped raining. Yeah.

Then on Saturday I went to Falmouth, PA. I know what the heck is in Falmouth, PA? Short answer; goat races. Oh yeah, I am a redneck. Me and some friends traveled out to see the goat races and had a great time. When we got there the races were already underway. We watched as goats 3 at a time were "raced" down the "track". Now let me say raced means they were on a leash and led down by their uhh...let's say jockey for lack of a better word. And the track picture the 3rd base line on a baseball field. These goats were sprinters not marathon runners. Ans some goats didn't want to race at all digging their hooves into the ground with great stubbornness. Some of the goats even had fancy paint jobs. Don't tell PETA, they have enough wackos to deal with already. Well we saw the first goat race and decided to go exploring. We found a stick goat race also. This was kids using sticks with goat heads on them (not real ones) and racing through an obstacle course and at one point feeding fake goats and cleaning up "fake" poop. We walked around the craft fair/yard sale and got something to eat. We also saw the Jet-Set-Fly-Ball-Dogs. These are dogs that preform a little race jumping over obstacles grabbing a tennis ball and racing back. It was pretty cool and those dogs are fast. We made a short stop at the petting zoo. Kim, Ang and Linda all went in while Margie and I watched. In the zoo was some ducks, a couple bunnies, some WEIRD looking chickens, a few goats and the laziest pony ever. Either lazy or drugged I am not sure. Anyway it's good that all 3 girls went in for 2 reasons. 1 Kim did not have to resort to kidnapping and being arrested. 2 Margie and I were able to yell "Kiss the chicken!" and that' always fun. We went back to wait for the finals. The finals were a mess. Organization not a high priority at Falmouth apparently. For a while #82 and #83 were being called every other minute. Till Kylene yelled that they went home. The announcer thanked her and they moved on. Did she know they went home or was she tired of hearing those numbers called. I'd go with "B". Well we watched the finals and then the winners got trophies with goats on top. I don't know if I'll be back next year. It depends on the city ordinances for keeping a goat at my house.

Week Two Of The YPEL

2009-09-22T16:17:00.000-07:00

Well after a good first week things went downhill for all but 2 of our teams. Mama and Fill both improved on their week one totals; everyone else not so much.

The results for this week are:
The Mama Pigs - 11-5; the Ambush - 9-7; the Highlanders - 8-8; Sweet Chlorine and the GTT both had - 7-9 and All Ahead Full at 6-10.

So as for the totals we have...
In first place the Ambush at 22-10
In a tie for second it is All Ahead Full and the Highlanders at 19-13
In a tie for fourth it is Sweet Chlorine and the Mama Pigs at 17-15
And secure in last it is the GTT at 12-20

Woody's Movie Review 33

2009-09-18T10:03:00.000-07:00

This week we start with a sad but funny movie "Marley and Me" starring Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson. They play a couple who take care of Marley the clearance puppy. Marley is very energetic and therefore hilarious. However this story goes where most dog stories do. I'm just glad I didn't see it later or I may have gotten emotional. 4 penguins.

Next we have "Vanishing Point" starring Viggo Mortensen. Viggo plays a driver who is away from his wife when she goes into labor with complications. He does everything he can to make it back in time. Avoiding cops and getting some unusual help along the way. The 1971 version was a lot better. 3 penguins.

Then we have "Suppose they gave a War and Nobody Came". This is the story about an Army base at war with a town. On the side of the Army we have Don Ameche, Brian Keith, Tony Curtis and Ivan Dixon. On the town's side we have Ernest Borgnine among others. It is a lot of laughs with a slightly disappointing ending. 4 penguins.

Last is "State of Play" with Russell Crowe and Ben Affleck. When Ben's intern is murdered his "friend" Crowe begins to write a story for his paper. However things are never black and white (and read all over). 5 penguins.

Week One Of The YPEL

2009-09-18T09:54:00.000-07:00

Welcome everyone to the new season of the YPEL. Hopefully you all wore your garb last week. If you didn't; shame, shame, shame. Anyway with the new season comes a lot of paperwork, iced tea runs, calculations, tabulations and relaxing on the couch. And because of that this weeks results got delayed. That's the last time I use some random guy for a deliveryman.

In a tie for first it is the Lancaster City Ambush and All Ahead Full at 13-3
In third it is the Brandon Highlanders at 11-5
Fourth goes to Sweet Chlorine at 10-6
Fifth brings us the Mama Pigs at 6-10
and somebody has to be last so this week it is...
The Golden Trailer Trash at 5-11.

Ohhh the excitement is building.

Life Group 2009 Invitational

2009-09-11T07:39:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday, on the well well kept greens of Village Greens Golf course, we played 18 holes for LifeGroup Fun Day. It was a heated battle between Kim, Ang, Dave, Aimee and myself. It looked as though we were all in serious trouble when Ang drained a Hole-In-One on the first hole. And Dave appeared to have either ants or bees in his shorts by the second hole. Kim employed her telekinesis to gain an advantage. And there were times where that Muppet on crack showed up. All in all we had a good time though no one put one in the stove for a free game. The final results are as follows:

Woody - 48(-4)
Kim - 54(+2)
Dave - 57(+5)
Ang - 62(+10)
Aimee - 75(+23) *but she did get free ice cream

Let The Games Begin

2009-09-06T07:19:00.000-07:00

With the college football season kicking off this weekend and the NFL starting Thursday another year of the YPEL is about to begin. Though we will miss Cassie being in our league we have expanded to include Mama. We have 6 teams and they are as follows:

The Lancaster City Ambush - GM Kevin Wood
The All Ahead Full - GM Bruce Wood
The Brandon Highlanders - GM "D"
The Momma Pigs - GM Momma G
The Golden Trailer Trash - GM Fillup
The Sweet Chlorine - GM Susan Roscoe

OK let's have fun out there. Picks may be phoned, mailed or emailed in. Remember there's a game on Thursday.

The Game Without A Name

2009-08-31T11:07:00.000-07:00

Recently when my Sister and Brother (In Law) came for a visit they brought a great new game. I don't know what the name is or if it has a name. However after last night it may forever be called "Giraffes don't make good pets.". After life group we were going to hang out and play games I suggested this game and we got started. The idea of the game is you get pieces of paper (1/4 sheet) and you write something on it, anything. Then the second person has to draw what you wrote, the third has to write the drawing and so on. And everyone is doing this at once. When it gets back to you then you reveal. That is when the fun really begins in this combination of pictionary and pass it down the line. Well amidst the "zoo arithmetic" and "purple gorilla" we had the basis for naming this game. The panels were written or drawn by: #1 Yours truly, #2 Kim, #3 Linda, #4 Dave and #5 Ang. This was so funny that Linda asked for a re-run at the end of the night. Enjoy and comprehend?

A Tribute To Ganges and Cassie (Kassee)

2009-08-29T10:10:00.000-07:00

I have had some pets over the years but truly 2 stand out above the rest. Two dogs Ganges and Cassie (or Kassee).

We got Ganges years ago way before the Internet or blogs. She was a great dog. We thought she was named after the Ganges River in India, it was when we were older that we found out a bunch of frat boys named her after marijuana. She was a a lot of fun, more so because she wasn't the smartest puppy on the block. Many times my Dad and I would play sit-up lay-down and she always played along. Or the times when we would ask her "Who did this?" while pointing at nothing, maybe she had a guilty conscience because she always shied away. But we always gave her treats too. She had a knack for escaping the house and running for the creek or perhaps even the next county. Two memories stand out as my favorites the first was when she came barreling inside the house after my sister just cleaned the glass door. She hit it full speed and then walked in circles sneezing for a while. The other is the time we came home and found a video tape had been chewed up. Well we put Ganges out side and shortly after she had tape coming out both ends. Still one of the funniest things I have ever seen. Well as dogs do Ganges got older and less mobile. She was put to sleep and our family lost a dear friend.

After a while that void was filled by Cassie. Though the rest of my family spells it Kassee. Cassie arrived and was immediately a part of the family. And though I didn't think it was possible, she was dumber that Ganges. The memories I have are special. Like the fact we have a crop circle in the back yard due to her running full speed at the end of her chain. That bare spot in the lawn that she would visit daily. Cassie was also a big sports fan picking her own teams and picking weekly during football season. My mom still talks about the chocolate cupcake she never got to eat because Cassie was quicker. Cassie also liked to escape but most times had no step two once she got out. Usually she could be coaxed back in with a biscuit and a kind word. And though she ate many tissues, napkins and crumpled pieces of paper she was never foolish enough to swallow them. Or when she would get excited she would have to sneeze for some reason. And we couldn't drop her off for boarding without her dropping a load on the floor. My Dad many times over the years said Cassie was on her way out the door but she survived. That is until last night. Cassie was with our family for 10+ years and she was probably 3 when we got her. 13 or 14 is pretty old. She was having problems getting up and down, she had ear issues and some skin thing that the doctors couldn't quite figure out. It was her time. These dogs have been our companions, friends and family. I don't think it is an exaggeration that Friday night was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. The look in her eyes will be with me forever. Rest in peace friend. I will miss the fact that when the door opened rain or shine, hot or cold you were always there.

Cassie pics

2009-08-29T10:00:00.001-07:00

Ski Round Top In The Summer

2009-08-27T15:00:00.000-07:00

Last weekend 8 friends and I went to Ski Roundtop for their Roundtop Mountain Adventures. This trip was thanks to Ron. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Anyway we all met at Cory's around 8 am, though some were more awake than others. We grabbed a quick bite at McDonald's then we were on our way. We got to the mountain and got checked in. First we took the lift to the top to watch a group of four people set off on The Vertical Trek. On the way up I got stung by a bee in my arm pit. I think that bee may have had a death wish. I take some comfort in the fact that after he stung me he died. We were told it takes about 3 hours for the Vertical Trek and is a maze of zip lines down the mountain. We decided that we should do that sometime. Then it was back on the lift and down the mountain. Our next stop was The Woods, kind-of a mini zip line and ropes course. Then we went to check out the tubing and OGO balls. The tubing is self explanatory. Except to say due to lack of snow they soap up the under side of your tube. Then it was OGO ball time. Now what is OGO? Well it can refer to the trickster god of the Dogon people of Mali. This time however it stands for Outdoor Gravity Orb. It is a giant inflatable ball with another ball inside of it. They fill the inside ball partly with water zip it shut, then push you down the mountain. It is awesome. The first ones in our group to go were Ang, Val and Linda. As they went by all you heard were muffled sounds of screaming and laughter. I went by myself and therefore was able to bounce around inside quite a bit. When you get to the bottom you stick your feet out the hole they turn it down and the OGO ball gives "birth" to you. After that we went to the bumper boats. These boats had the squirt gun attachment. While there wasn't room to get good speed everyone got soaked. And one person in our group clearly laughed like a muppet high on cocaine, or what I imagine that would sound like. To avoid embarrassment I will not say her name here (but it starts with Aimee). Then we gathered ourselves up and headed home. On the way there was a cop holding up both lanes of traffic on the highway for some unknown reason. We stopped at the Around the Clock Diner for lunch. And among other things we had: coffee, a whole chicken, coffee, a pickle, coffee, scrapple, coffee, soup, coffee, hairy gravy, coffee, non-hairy gravy, coffee, eggs, coffee, bacon-cheeseburger, coffee and tea. What a day. Well I hope everyone has dried off by now.

Woody's Movie Review 32

2009-08-24T11:05:00.000-07:00

This edition is jam packed with good movies.

I started with "Ffolkes" starring Roger Moore as a quasi-spy who is called after terrorists take over a ship and threaten to blow up 2 oil rigs. Anthony Perkins is also in this movie as one of the terrorists. Dang typecasting. 4 penguins.

Then I saw "The Last House on the Left" with Monica Potter and Tony Goldwyn. Monica and Tony are the parents of a girl who gets viciously attacked and left for dead. Then the attackers seek refuge from a storm with the parents, ohhhh. This is really good and make sure you watch the last scene. 4 penguins.

I also watched "Uptown Saturday Night" starring Bill Cosby, Sidney Poitier, Harry Belafonte, Flip Wilson and Richard Pryor. Cosby and Poitier and friends who go out for a good time and getting mugged instead. Among the items taken is the winning lottery ticket. $50,000 in 1974. So they set off to get it back. It doesn't go well, but it does go funny. 4 penguins.

And then we have "Taken" starring Liam Neeson. This movie proves the old saying "You don't mess with daddy's little girl, especially if daddy is highly trained and has global contacts to track you down and make you pay." Great movie, 5 penguins.

Lastly I remember seeing this movie a long time ago. "Scavenger Hunt", in order to get a large inheritance several groups of people must go looking very odd items, such as an ostrich. Among those starring in the movie is Tony Randall. 5 Penguins.

What Happens At The Nova Stays At The Nova...

2009-08-16T10:12:00.000-07:00

UNTIL NOW! Seriously anyone who thought this wouldn't happen obviously doesn't know me very well. Plus I didn't pinky-swear. Oh boy here we go.

Last night I went to the Villa Nova West with some friends for dinner and...uhh...let's say hi-jinks. Here is some of what happened. I will keep them vague to protect the guilty.

Nickname appropriate gifts were handed out
The Mountain Dew went bad and tasted like Ginger Ale
Country music's biggest disappointment was mocked relentlessly
Some people went home with less leg hair than they arrived with
Some people are dart savants
There was dancing and singing to "Shoop"
Puerto Rican girls like Taylor Swift or Alan Jackson
Some people paid good money for no songs at all
Sometimes jokes can hurt (but people making jokes are SORRY and they meant no harm)
Some people discovered boundries
Principals like to go out and have fun too
Bartenders are attentive when whistled at
Karaoke can be painful
Some people know lots of "old school" rap songs
Don McLean is suing for destruction of a good song
That girl has been experimenting with recreational pharmaceuticals
That same girl may be a guy
Sometimes alcohol makes you repeat things
Eve 6 sings "Inside Out"
Some people are brave with other peoples lives and well being
Apparently PennDOT has added 2 extra lanes on Rt 30 between the Centerville exit and the Lititz pike exit

Well thanks to all who partied hardy at the Nova, you know who you are. And if you don't you must have had a better time than you thought.

My Faith In Country Music Restored

2009-08-14T11:07:00.001-07:00

Recently a couple country songs got under my skin as a little inappropriate (see post "Just When I Thought It Was Safe To Listen To Country).

Well things are better now thanks to 3 songs in particular.

First Alan Jackson sings about the wonders of technology while saying "I still like bologna".

Then Steve Azar says there is too much month at the end of the money and yearns I need a cash cow I need a "Moolah Moo".

And last Tim McGraw apparently needs to reel Faith Hill in because she is spending money faster then he gets paid in "It's a business doing pleasure with you".

Woody's Movie Review 31

2009-08-14T10:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to see "G.I. Joe" starring Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans and Dennis Quaid among others. If you remember the cartoon then you may guess how this goes. Very bad guys trying to destroy/take over the world while good guys try their best to stop them. Gadgets that would make "Q" drool and enough explosions for anyone. Now that being said it gets a disappointing 3 penguins. It was good but I was expecting a lot more. Also the only other way they could have said there will be a sequel, would have been a large "THERE WILL BE A SEQUEL" sign at the end.

I also saw recently "The Mutant Chronicles" starring Thomas Jane. Apparently the world is in peril after it splits into 4 corporations who are at war with each other. As if that isn't bad enough someone lets the mutants out. Then a rag-tag group of misfits is sent to save the world. 2 penguins.

That got me thinking, why is it when the world is in trouble we always send a group of misfits and morons to save us...

Like in "The Dirty Dozen" starring Lee Marvin. There is a mission to kill a bunch of Nazi officers so where do we recruit? Why death row of course. 5 penguins.

What happens when there is a killer asteroid heading for the Earth? Well let's get a bunch of guys "I wouldn't trust with a potato gun." That is "Armageddon" with Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck. 5 penguins.

Or "Mystery Men" when a group of idiots and quasi super heroes including Ben Stiller goes off on a rescue mission. 1 penguin.

Or who better to win back fans of Texas State University than a bunch of walk-ons who can't catch a ball or run a play well. That is the story in "Necessary Roughness" with Scott Backula and Kathy Ireland. 5 penguins.

And lastly when a Space Ranger goes missing, do we call the cops? The FBI? The 82nd Airborne? NO, we go with the Piggy Bank, The Slinky Dog, Mr. Potato Head, The Dinosaur and of course Woody. "Toy Story 2", 5 penguins.

Games Rednecks Play

2009-08-08T19:05:00.000-07:00

Recently I went to Buck Motorsports Park in well, The Buck. Now the Buck is well known for tractor pulls, tuff truck competitions, monster trucks, etc. However this night was a first for the Buck, combine demolition derby. THAT'S RIGHT I SAID COMBINE DEMOLITION DERBY! The announcer said he got a call this week that went something like this.

Buck employee "Hello, Buck Motorsports."
Female caller "What have you got going on there this week?"
Buck employee "Well we have combine demolition derby."
Female caller "Combined with what?"
Buck employee "Other combines."

Well confusion aside it was AWESOME!!! Well worth the $12.00 and the 2 extra exclamation points. Below are some pictures, I will probably put the rest on face book.

Combine Demolition Derby

2009-08-08T19:03:00.000-07:00

Woody's Movie Review 30

2009-08-07T09:00:00.000-07:00

This is a spine-tingly edition.

First up we have "Vacancy" starring Kate Beckinsale and Luke Wilson. Kate and Luke are a couple who get a little lost and then have some car problems. The good news - they find a motel; the bad news - there is no more good news. They are watched, stalked and harassed for the rest of the movie. It is worth a look at 3 penguins.

Also at 3 penguins is the prequel "Vacancy 2". This is the "How to run a motel while killing off your clientele" movie. It tells the weird story of how it all began.

Next is a really weird one. "Identity" is hard to explain without giving it away. John Cusack stars and it is real good. 4 penguins.

Last we have "Dead Calm" starring Nicole Kidman and Sam Neill. They play a couple who are relaxing on their boat, for a while anyway... 5 penguins.

Woody's Movie Review 29

2009-08-07T08:35:00.000-07:00

Well I went to the library yesterday and grabbed a couple movies for free. And one of them against my better judgement was...

"Semi Pro" starring Will Ferrell. It wasn't as bad as I expected but there was more gratuitous cursing than I would have liked. Ferrell plays a basketball player for the Flint Tropics of the ABA. The ABA is about to fold and Ferrell tries everything to get the Tropic into the NBA. 2 penguins.

Of course I have been burned before by Will Ferrell...

I watched "Anchorman" where Ferrell is obviously an anchorman. It was not worth it and I felt dumber after. 1 penguin.

I also was very excited to go see "Talladega Nights" where Ferrell is a NASCAR driver. I was disappointed by the way this one turned out as well. 2 penguins.

Now I did enjoy "Kicking and Screaming" as Ferrell tries to coach a children's soccer team. His antics in the coffee shop are especially funny. 3 penguins.

And I did see "Bewitched" it was OK as a remake of the classic TV series. It had some funny parts and gets 2 penguins.

And because I liked the show Land of the Lost, I will see the movie but I am not getting my hopes up.

Apparently Your Priorities Can Be Off If You're A Manheim Township Cop

2009-08-05T08:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was coming back from a delivery and as I got near Park City I saw a strange thing in the grass near the Alcoa building. It looked like fresh tire tracks in the grass. As I got closer I saw what made those tire tracks a red pick-up that was parked way to close to a tree. I guess they either lost control or saw the tree falling and wanted to help. Now I was in the lane closest to the shoulder in the next lane was one of Manheim Township's finest. I looked over and was stunned at this cop driving by an obvious accident. But we must cut him some slack he was going to get his cruiser washed at Cloister. "Sorry sir I know that steering column is embedded in your abdomen, but my car is a little dirty." or "Listen I'd love to chase that murder suspect, but he just turned onto a dirt road and I just had this thing waxed." Remind me not to be in the need of assistance in Manheim Township.

I Wonder How Many Times Someone Said "Just Ducky"

2009-08-02T07:12:00.000-07:00

Recently a bunch of people (and some I even knew) helped out at the 21st Annual Rubber Duckie Race and Festival. It was for a great cause and a lot of fun besides. Here is my recap of the day.

I got there and met up with some friends and my Dad. Linda quickly found Santa sat on his lap and asked for a pony. My Dad was working the Ducko booth with Margie from my life group in the am (I told him no stories and I'm keeping my fingers crossed). Ducko is like Plinko from the Price is Right (don't forget to spay and neuter your pets). Linda was working the ping pong ball toss (we've all seen this at county fairs across the country) although the goldfish were imaginary. The rest of us Ang, Kim, Cory, Tyler and I made our way down to the Dinghy Derby Race. This is just a raft race. 4 people in each raft and 2 rafts race at a time. We were there to stop the rafts and help the people out then we had to hand them up to the shoreline. Who knew a raft full of air could be that heavy. Cory and I both lost our sunglasses at one point or another but rest assured we found them later. Well after the races were over and I found that tire, we took a break. Music was provided in the interim by Dave and Aimee on banjo and guitar respectively. Although as a hick being in the river with banjo music playing made me a little nervous. After I had my cholesterol boost in the form of a funnel cake it was back to the river for the main event. We received our instructions from Ralph, put on our life vests and waited. Eventually there was a cannon blast and the ducks were in the river. About 25 minutes later they finally got to us. Now once they crossed the line we had 10 people assigned to grab the top ten ducks (although if we would have Low Jacked the ducks it would have helped) then I was to grab a large flock for a random drawing. Then it was off to grab the other 24,940 ducks. We spread out and loaded them into canoes then the canoes had to go to shore and were emptied into barrels. My legs and arms were sore after that. I helped out with cleanup for a while then headed to my Jeep. At this point the rain we had been worried about showed up in the form of a torrential downpour. I went home and after 3-4 showers I was ready for dinner. I met Kim, Linda and Ang at Prudhomme's for some fried gator. After we got kicked out of there we went bowling. I for one went 1-1-1 over 3 games. If you go to Columbia to bowl check out the mutated bowlers depicted on the walls, a little freaky. All in all a good day. Plus I heard the total for the Duckie Race was around $133,000 raised, Woo Hoo! See you next year. I am in the picture at the top along with my fellow duck wranglers.

My New Motto

2009-08-02T07:08:00.001-07:00

Truer words may never have been spoken.

I Would Like To See Gender Specific Subtitles

2009-08-01T11:11:00.000-07:00

Recently I went to see a chick flick. It wasn't my idea (see Woody's Movie Review 27). Anyway the next day I was talking to the ladies I went to see this movie with and had to ask them a question. See in the movie they referenced a decoupage box. And I am sitting there confused, I held in the urge to yell out "What the heck is decoupage?!". It was explained to me that it is a box with pictures glued on it. Some sort of artsy craftsy thing like you make at summer camp I guess. Anyway I know there are husbands, boyfriends, fiances and just guys who made a bad decision who will see this movie and others like it. I think they could put a subtitle down at the bottom saying what a decoupage is. Then us guys would not be so confused, and we could talk about it later. "Wow wouldn't some pictures of Julia Roberts or Halle Berry make a good decoupage?". And if it helps us we could help you ladies. Let's say you go with us to see some kill everybody action flick. And in the movie they reference the F-22. On the bottom of the screen it would tell you that the F-22 is the USAF's new fighter from Lockheed Martin codenamed the Raptor. Then you could talk about it later. "Wow that Raptor looks fast." See everybody will win once gender subtitling catches on. Until then I guess I will have to guess what bedazzling your jean jacket means.

This Is Lager Talk, Now What's Grindin' Your Gears?

2009-08-01T08:14:00.000-07:00

Today on Lager Talk we discuss the American Automobile. We aren't discussing makes and models, we're discussing how many people can't operate one. So I have compiled a list of helpful hints that will keep me from snapping one day and ramming my Jeep into the driver's side door of your vehicle.

#1 - That little stick on your steering column operates your turn signals. They are there oddly enough so that you may indicate that you are going to turn. TRY USING THEM! But it must be noted that just because you signal, it doesn't mean that magically there is an opening there.

#2 - Speaking of turns, many places there is a lane between the lanes of traffic. This is a turn lane, fascinating. Now if you are going to use this lane get your vehicle completely in the lane before braking or (even worse) stopping. That lane is there so that I don't have to jam on my brakes just because you need another fancy-pants coffee.

#3 - Now I hate to be ageist, but if you are advanced in years SPEED UP! I would think that those with less time left would be burning up the road in a Ferrari or Lamborghini, not going 15 mph under the speed limit in a 1976 Cadillac ElDorado.

#4 - And as far as those white rectangular signs with the numbers on them, that's the speed limit. So it is your right to drive under the limit. But if you do don't be surprised at the evil looks and odd hand gestures thrown your way. If you are driving the limit you get no argument from me. And if I am driving the limit and you tailgate well I will set the cruise right on and watch you boil over. Then laugh if you pass me in front of one of Pennsylvania's finest and get pulled over for a chat.

#5 - Some traffic lights have a "no turn on red" sign attached. But if it isn't there then that means YOU CAN TURN RIGHT ON RED! Recently I saw a vehicle with the bumper sticker "This vehicle does not turn right on red." All I could think was WHY NOT?!

#6 - Just because you like NASCAR doesn't mean you're in a race. If only everyone left 5 min earlier we wouldn't have this problem. And if you think tailgating me at 60 mph is going to make me pass someone quicker so you can get by. Well I hope you enjoy the wait.

#8 - When there are two lanes merging, it is my belief that the continuing lane has the right of way. In other words I don't HAVE to let you in. Now most times I will let one person in. But if I see you speeding up just to cut over I will match speeds so you don't get ahead of me.

#9 - How courteous I am to other drivers has a direct correlation to where they are from and what bumper stickers or decals they are showing. New York, New Jersey and California have long waits ahead of them.

#10 - Put down your cell phone, newspaper, food or make-up and DRIVE! I saw a car once that had a bumper sticker that said "Put down your phone and drive.". I found this interesting as the guy driving was chatting away on his cell phone.

That's all for Lager Talk. Next time on Lager Talk...choose a team moron!

Woody's Movie Review 28

2009-08-01T07:47:00.000-07:00

Well here we are again. I should start by saying this was not my choice. Last night I went with two very well dressed friends to see "The Proposal". Now I know what you are thinking, "Woody...why?". Well I made an agreement, and if I make a commitment I follow through. Now the details of this agreement in my opinion got a little off track but oh well. The basics were two female friends of mine go see a guy movie and I agree to see a chick flick. Now "The Proposal" wasn't all bad. It was funny in parts and I laughed. And the parts that weren't funny, well I felt pain because I kept getting hit. Now there are stars in this movie, Sandra Bullock, Ryan Reynolds, Craig T. Nelson, Mary Steenburgen and Betty White. But I say the Oscar goes to Kevin. Kevin is the Samoyed puppy that almost gets eaten by an Eagle. So what would I rate this movie? Well it wasn't as bad as "Sound of Music" but it wasn't as good as "Rambo" So I give it 3 penguins because it made me laugh.

Now for my choice we went to see "Terminator Salvation" starring Christian Bale, Sam Worthington and Moon Bloodgood. This movie has it all. A good story, awesome terminators old and new, Arnold shows up, explosions a-plenty and that Moon is definitely easy on the eyes. I give it 5 penguins.

Now will I make another agreement?...maybe but I am making some rules first.

Just When I Thought It Was Safe To Listen To Country

2009-07-28T17:47:00.001-07:00

Now I know country music isn't perfect. There have been some songs that just stunk like anything Reba McEntire ever did. Anyway until recently I thought we may be immune to the ultra weird and fairly disgustuing songs that other genres have. Then I heard 2 songs on the radio. The first is "Rockin' the Beer Gut" by the Trailer Choir. This song is a tribute to women who have and I quote "extra love around her waist". I think that's a bit inapropriate. The second is "Bobbi With an I" by Phil Vasser. This song is a transvestite tribute with lyrics like "He isn't just one of the guys, In his pink party dress, You never would guess, He benches 335". Well I for one hope this is not a growing trend. And I know some of you are thinking "Hey it's all in fun." Well not for me.

This Is Lager Talk, Now What's Grindin' Your Gears?

2009-07-15T15:21:00.000-07:00

That's right its Lager Talk. See if I want a talk show I have to use the Internet. Because if you want to be on radio or TV apparently you need a degree. Like I need a freakin' communications degree to communicate! I've been communicating since I was 1 1/2 and I didn't need to go to college to do it! But that's another topic for another day.

When I was asked to do this, it was suggested as a coffee talk show. Well for my first episode I'll discuss a little thing called coffee. First of all there are only 3 things that belong in coffee: sugar, milk and a spoon. You take your flavored creamers, your Splenda, your sweet and low, and any dang whipped cream and throw em' out. This is America and you have the right to choose. However it is apparent that some of you chose poorly. Mr half-caff, double foam, extra cinnamon, Egyptian blend with Swiss skim milk and a scone on the side. I wonder if Starbucks is adding estrogen to make you order that way. Man Up! Coffee should take only two syllables to order. Something like this:

Waitress - "Can I get you something to drink?"
Customer - "Yeah, how bout' a Yuengling on tap."
Waitress - "Sir, it's 7:30 in the morning."
Customer - "Fine just a coffee then."

See just that simple. If all goes according to plan Starbucks will file bankruptcy by the end of the week. I will then buy all their stores at a discount price and open a chain of...you guessed it Lager Houses. And when they come in crying for their Starbucks we smack em' and give em' a lager on the house. Cause once they're hooked I'll be rich.

That's all for Lager Talk, our topic for next time "You better use your turn signal cause my car's paid for and I have great insurance."

Woody's Movie Review 27

2009-07-15T14:11:00.000-07:00

Today we start "The Pink Panther" starring Steve Martin and Jean Reno. Martin plays in the role of Inspector Clouseau. The fabulous Pink Panther has gone missing and it is up to Clouseau to solve the crime. I must say that there is no topping the original but Martin definitely does a good job and gets 4 penguins.

Also we have "The Pink Panther 2", yet again the Pink Panther is missing and Steve Martin reprises his Clouseau to solve the crime. Again 4 penguins. And when they get to the kitchen I had to play it over several times.

Also I saw "Bolt" with among others the voice of John Travolta. Bolt is a action hero dog who believes he is actually an action hero. When he is separated from his costar a young girl, he sets off to "save" her. Pretty good for all ages. 4 penguins. That hamster is hilarious.

Lastly we have "Chaos" starring Wesley Snipes and Jason Statham. Statham plays a detective trying to solve a major bank robbery, or is he? Very suspenseful. 4 penguins.

Crab Fest 2009

2009-07-06T13:33:00.000-07:00

Recently my friend Kim invited me to a Crab Fest. Crab Fest is an annual event that is attended by Kim her family, co-workers and friends. I agreed as it sounded like fun. Well the day arrived and I made my way to Ephrata to meet Kim. I arrived and met Kim and her two cats (two cats and only 3 eyes, a little creepy). Anyway we watched "Deadliest Catch" while we waited for Ang and Cory. Ang and Cory got there and we headed out. I sure hope that fisherman was OK. We got to Kim's sister Heather's house and there was already a large crowd. I met some new people including Kim's Mom and Step-Dad, Kim's Dad, Kim's sister Heather and her husband Clint. After we sat for a little while we were advised it was crab time. We went and found a place and started "Crustacean Devastation" (good one Cory). I being a novice got advice from Cory and it worked out well. Crab is a tasty treat but there is work involved. You have to get them open, then get past the "mustard", the lungs and what looked like pasta but probably wasn't. I myself did pretty well, I did wake up with more scrapes on my thumbs than I had thought though. So after we made a mess of guts and shells, we went to relax. It was a nice evening and the conversation was good. After it got dark we were treated to a fireworks display choreographed to music. It was real good and those neighbors better go back to the drawing board for next year. Later we were able to see the Ephrata fireworks from the front lawn. Well at this point most people headed home except a few brave souls. The topics of conversation definitely went in another direction. At the end of the night there were Awards. Now I don't know most of the people they gave the Awards to, so I have my own Awards.

Best Squeal - Heather, Best Storm Window Operator - Clint, Best Chair Shopper - Sarah, Best Wrestling Match - Ang vs Clint, Best Uncomfortable Dancer - Kim, Comfiest Chair - Cory, Best Gender Disguising Hat - The Crab Hat, Best Meal - Boiled Hot Dogs, Best Drink - Hot Dog Water With Chocolate Syrup, Best Difference Between Kim & Heather - You'll Probably Never See Kim Prance, Best Gift - Garlic Mashed Potatoes & The Phrase I Heard The Most - A tie between: Are You Sure You Don't Want a Chair & "Kim do I have time to go pee?" Heather.

Well I did have fun I suppose and I learned some things I didn't know, like Kim has never cooked hot dogs for herself. She is sooo missing out. Anyway hopefully my thumbs will heal up soon.

Job Aplications

2009-07-06T13:27:00.000-07:00

Have you filled out a job application online lately. Man they are strange. I recently filled one out and after the usual stuff, name, address, employment history. They had this quiz with questions to evaluate prospective employees. I understand why they do it, but some of the questions are real weird. For example do you Agree, Strongly Agree, Disagree or Strongly Disagree with the following statement: You get angry more than nervous. What the heck does that even mean?! I would love to answer if only I knew how. Oh well hopefully I gave them the right answer.

Woody's Movie Review 26

2009-06-27T15:53:00.000-07:00

This past week I went to see what can only be described as the best movie of the summer. Move over "Star Trek", "Wolverine" and "Terminator". The big winner of the summer is "Transformers Revenge of the Fallen". Oh my where to start there are robots that change into cars, there is mayhem and chaos, massive amounts of gunfire, explosions almost constantly and the coup-de-gras was I saw it in IMAX. Go see this movie, and if possible go see it in IMAX it is sooooo worth it. 3 story tall robots running around destroying everything in sight. Need I say that it gets 5 penguins.

Do You Know Newt Heisley?

2009-06-27T15:39:00.000-07:00

This past week a number of "celebrities" died. Their contribution to society was expressed through their particular mediums. Acting, singing dance. Someone else passed away recently, Newt Heisley. Now if you know me then you would probably guess this person was either involved in sports or the military for me to take the time to write. Well it is the second. Most people have never heard the name Newt Heisley. I only recently found out who he was. Newt was a World War II pilot, and in 1971 drew a sketch that you are all probably very familiar with. His sketch became the famous POW/MIA flag. Now take a second and think, how many flags, shirts, patches, hats, mugs, etc have you seen that symbol on? Now guess how much he got out of it. Not one penny. In 2005 Heisley told The American Legion Magazine "I didn't get anything, and I don't want anything," he said "I'm only thinking of the POWs and MIAs. They're not forgotten. That's the main thing." So take a moment as the Fourth of July approaches to remember Newt Heisley, and all of our POWs and MIAs may they come home safe and may they come home soon.

Maybe She Should've Taken The Bus

2009-06-18T16:08:00.000-07:00

Today I had an interesting experience on Rt 30. I was driving for Autopart International and I was on my way back from the BK in Columbia. I had gone there to meet with another driver from the York store so I could get some parts. I was driving around 60 mph. I got around a Turkey Hill 18 wheeler and settled into the slow lane. I looked in the rear view mirror and saw there was a brown sedan behind me. I looked forward then looked back. Now that sedan was racing across the shoulder through the grass and about halfway up the embankment! I got onto the shoulder and stopped. I fully expected the car to roll but it didn't. The car came to a stop still on the grass past the shoulder. The woman driving was OK however she was understandably shook up. We asked her what happened. She said she went to pass and then noticed a car coming up behind her very fast. So she got back in the other lane, just too quick. And when she went across the lane she was behind me but right in front of the 18 wheeler (and those things aren't known for stopping quickly). We (the Turkey Hill guy and I) tried to push her onto the shoulder. But because of the rain we had it was not working. Then he suggested that she drive on the grass to a spot that was less muddy and try there. So she backed up, I went to move a temporary construction sign and she started to drive. When she got to the spot the Turkey Hill guy said "OK turn your wheels and go!" Go she did. Although the Turkey Hill guy's uniform now had a large brown stripe up the front. He said he only had one more stop to make today. So the lesson is be careful when you pass and RT 30 IS NOT THE AUDUBON! Drive safe.

Woody's Movie Review 25

2009-06-18T15:43:00.000-07:00

First we have "The International" starring Clive Owen and Naomi Watts. These two are trying to bring down a multi-national bank because of their ties to weapon sales. It is a good thriller, I give it 3 penguins.

Next we have "Smoke Jumper" starring the pretty face of the game show "Dog Eat Dog". Before I watched this I wasn't sure she could act. I'm still not sure. Brooke plays a fire-person (go politically correctness) whose father dies in (who didn't see this coming) a fire. She then decides to become a smoke jumper much to the chagrin of most of her family. 2 penguins.

Also we have "The Taking of Pelham One Two Three (1974)" starring Walter Matthau and Robert Shaw. Shaw leads a group of 4 men trying to get 1 million dollars in exchange for the hostages they have on a subway car. Really good 5 penguins. This movie is where Quentin Tarantino got the idea of naming bad guys for colors instead of names for "Reservoir Dogs".

Speaking of "Reservoir Dogs" that is one great movie. Now be forewarned there is a lot of language in this one and it gets a little bloody. However it is a real good crime film. A group of bad guys known only as Mr. Black or Mr. Blue to each other, set out to rob a diamond emporium. To say things go bad is an understatement. 5 penguins.

Lastly I just finished season one of "Chuck". This TV show centers around Chuck who works at a Best Buy type of store. One day he receives an e-mail that downloads all of the CIA and NSA files on our enemies directly into his brain. Now having the only copy of the info he must be protected. It is funny and Chuck kinda reminds me of my Brother-in-Law Dave. A guy who is nerd-like with vast amounts of information in his brain. Sorry Dave but I say that with love. The show and my Brother-in-Law get 5 penguins each.

Hail To The Champs!

2009-06-13T08:12:00.000-07:00

Last night the NHL season concluded with game seven of the Stanley Cup Final. And it was nerve-racking, exhilarating, worrisome and finally JUST FREAKIN AWESOME!!! The Penguins beat the Red Wings. They beat them in Detroit. And they beat them after Sidney Crosby got hurt in the 2nd period. Let's just say I was screaming, yelling and yes even a little dancing last night. The Pens were not given much of a chance in the Final against the Wings by many people before the series started. Then in a 2-0 hole most wrote them off entirely. They won 2 straight to tie it up but then lost game 5 5-0. Again everyone was ready to hand Detroit the cup. But Pittsburgh said NO! They won game 6 at home and clinched the cup on the road. That had only been done twice before. Also no team had ever been trailing in two separate series 2-0 and won the cup, until now. What else, how about Crosby is the youngest Captain EVER to raise the cup. I could go on but I will just say a big CONGRATS to the Pens and an even bigger THANK YOU.

Woody's Movie Review 24

2009-06-09T07:17:00.000-07:00

First we have "Air Force One" starring Harrison Ford as a butt-kicking President. I give this one 5 penguins even though the whole escape pod is completely fiction. It still makes for a good action movie.

I also recently saw "The Gumball Rally" it is a "Cannonball Run" type movie that came out first. I give it 4 penguins. It had a lot of fast cars and funny moments. Speaking of "Cannonball Run" both the first and the sequel get 5 penguins apiece.

"The Dish" starring Sam Neil tells the story of the giant satellite dish in a sheep paddock in Australia. This dish was called into service as Apollo 11 was heading for the moon. There were a couple glitches but they got the job done. An interesting movie at 3 penguins.

Lastly we have "Killshot" starring Diane Lane and Micky Rourke. Diane Lane has to go into witness protection after witnessing a crime. Micky Rourke is the trained killer tracking her every move, a suspenseful thriller. 3 penguins.

Next Time Get It In Writing

2009-06-08T18:10:00.000-07:00

It started out with a discussion of movies. Then somehow evolved into an agreement between me and two friends (Ang and Kim). All I wanted was for them to see a "guy" movie with me and then I would see a "chick flick". Simple enough or so I thought. Last Friday the three of us headed out to take in my movie. I chose "Terminator Salvation". Let me say two words about this movie AW - SOME! It was great I give every movie in the Terminator franchise a strong 5 penguins. Cyborgs, gunfire, time-travel, paradoxes and a lot of stuff that blows up for no apparent reason. Now I asked my two friends how they liked it. Both thought it was good. Though Kim watched most of it through her clenched hands covering her face. So I have accompanied two women to a movie they liked. Do I get praised? NO! There are plans in the works to make me suffer. Among them is the two movies for one idea, watching the movie in my jammies, fondue, picking out fingernail polish, makeovers and the dreaded Sound of Music. I am a little wary of what may happen to me. I think I will macho up before hand by watching all 4 Lethal Weapon movies (5 penguins each) and all 4 Die Hard movies (5 penguins each) in succession. I will report later how it went. Fortunately my hair is too short to braid, whew.

So A Freak Is A Good Thing?

2009-06-08T17:42:00.000-07:00

Webster's defines freak as "one who is markedly unusual or abnormal". Now I will be the first to admit I am a little off but am I a FREAK. I didn't think so, that is until Sunday when I was alerted to a new definition. Apparently the new definition goes; a) The ability to succeed where others have failed concerning putting up with and getting along with a predetermined number of people or a specific group and b) having or possessing an inordinate amount of free time and using that time toward creative pursuits. Well in light of the new definitions fine I am a freak. But we "freaks" outnumber any other demographic, so treat us nice. Thanks.

It's A Life Group Weekend Charlie Brown

2009-06-08T17:18:00.000-07:00

I had a fun weekend recently and it was with wait for it...my life group. But you got that just from the title.

Anyway on Friday night 5 of us (Cory, Kim, Ang, Dave and I) got together and headed for Reading. We went to a Reading Phillies game. Now many things happened at this game. Whether they are of note or not remains to be seen. Here they are in no particular order.

- The call for programs was pre-recorded
- They gave away 4 cars (cars should be replaced with piles of junk) to some lucky (lucky should be replaced with TERRIBLY unlucky) fans
- Kim was applauded for her lack of depth perception
-I have a craving for ROAST BEEF
-Paul Bako may need therapy after going 0-6
-There were some great fireworks
-The line in the men's room was quite long after the game
-Cory learned that the GPS in is phone only works if he knows where the phone is

As far as the game goes the Phillies got down 5-2 after just the FIRST INNING. Well long game short they won in the 11th.

Then on Saturday we 5 plus Kenny and some others went to Schrieber to pack up some rubber ducks. That brings up the question. How many ducks could a life group bag if a life group could bag ducks? The answer is A WHOLE FREAKING BUNCH! Those ducks were a formidable foe but we were stronger and had the advantage of being alive. Hey you take the gifts God gave you and you unleash them on a gaggle of unsuspecting mouse ducks, present ducks, reindeer ducks, Santa ducks, etc. What a weekend I can't wait for the actual duck race.

My Life Has Gone To The Dog

2009-05-26T05:22:00.000-07:00

My parents are on vacation this week. Since I am unemployed I am making a little extra cash by watching the family dog. Plus my sister won't do it, something about a long commute. I think she's just a slacker. Anyway I showed up on Saturday afternoon and found a note. It was addressed to me and Cassie (our dog). It listed tasks for the week. Water the tomatoes, mow the lawn and put out the trash. But it didn't say who should do what. Well last night I talked to my Dad and asked who should do what job. He said that Cassie's role was more supervisory in nature. Great, first I get laid-off, now I am being supervised by a creature who's main goal in life is to lick her paws and eat cat poo. THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!! Way to kick a guy while he's down. I am filing a grievance with my union...wait I don't have a union. Alright I'm joining a union then filing a grievance. I am positive my new union brothers and sisters won't stand for this. Long live House Watchers Local #13! But until then I think Cassie wants another biscuit and I think we are watching Lassie again. Yeah!

Sometimes You Can Learn A Lot At A Picnic

2009-05-25T15:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I attended what may be the most bizarre picnic ever. It was at my friend Ang's house. I definitely learned some things at that picnic. Here are the highlights as I saw them. I of course am your host, Jim?

The picnic started out slow as people arrived and brought in their contributions to stomach fulfillment. The radio was on and later on we heard our favorite DJ "Ron". We all sat down and enjoyed the fresh air. I volunteered to be first shift griller. I cooked up some hot dogs and burgers. Hopefully everyone is still well. After a while Kylene decided that we needed to have an icebreaker. I was nervous till the category was announced then I was...not sure what it was, probably a mix of things. Anyway the category was "Where did you buy the outfit you are wearing?" First of all I can say for myself I have never had an outfit or been concerned how my butt looks in certain clothing. It was here we decided you could only talk while holding the ladyball ball. This rule actually helped. This icebreaker did lead to one of the things I learned. I had a pair of shorts with the Air Force Seal on them. Kylene observed that I bought them at the Air Force. That's right you can find the Air Force between Sears and the Auntie Annes kiosk. Anyway we finished that icebreaker, thankfully. We had a long discussion on what day it actually was, that never came to a conclusion. Another lesson I learned is that Konrad likes to share, good for you. We then had another icebreaker (thanks a lot Greg). This one though we guys could actually participate in. It consisted of 4 Qs: name, nickname, recent success and hot button topic. We made it through that one and then chose a physical challenge (thanks Double Dare). I brought out Snakes and Ladders and it was enjoyed by all. While playing this game however, let's say the comments got a little adult and leave it at that. Also the last game was called on account of rain. But before we moved inside I learned some disturbing lessons and became very grateful for the good neighbors I have. One of Ang's neighbors has cats at least one of them is named Oscar. I pray for Oscar now. This woman who is quite older than I came out of her house carrying a cat and then tied it to a tree. This while strange was trumped by what came next. This woman returned to her house and then came back out pushing a stroller. What was in the stroller? A baby NO, A FREAKIN CAT! Are you kidding me! I may be a little off but seriously c'mon. Then she rolled up to the cat tied to a tree put it on a leash and took them for a roll and walk respectively. It was nice that she color coordinated her hat and the stroller, both pink. Wow. Anyway eventually she returned home, but then lost Oscar. If you want my opinion that cat saw daylight, ran down to Rt 30 and hitched himself a ride to Canada. I don't like cats but no animal should be put through that. Where were we, oh yeah rain. So with rain on the way we moved the party inside and decided to play Chicken Foot. Yup now we learn some real lessons.

1) The funniest jokes are told by "Those Comedy Guys"; they are hysterical.
2) Firehouse had a lot more songs than I remember, I mean A LOT more. Hopefully Kylene isn't still waiting.
3) Kacie has very poor depth perception. That table really is that close.
4) Bubba has bladder issues that adult diapers can't control.
5) Kylene once had a tryout on American Idol, let's just say she didn't get past first day.
6) Bubba is asexual; you don't want to know.
7) If you get a friend request from Kylene you only have till Noon to reply. We don't know why.
8) Bubba sleeps on the top bunk and I sleep with an umbrella.
9) People sometimes don't like Kylene at first. I know that's just SHOCKING!
10) The smell of urine may or may not be affected by eating celery. I bet we could get a government grant for a study but do we really want to. Hey I'm not checking, that's a little gross.
11) Some people could be diagnosed with SFS or Swirling Frog Syndrome. Have you ever know someone that will randomly say random or inappropriate things well I now know the reason why, PHD & DR of Weird Stuff Bubba explained it. Picture their brain as a swirling mass of information tidbits. In the middle of the swirl sits a cross-eyed frog who randomly sticks out his tongue and grabs a piece of info and sends it to the mouth. There may be no known cure, but they are interesting people to have at a party.

We eventually finished the game and called it a night. I think we set a record for the number of times the phrase "I have to go pee or I will pee my pants" was said. I think we can all be proud of that.

So to Kim, Konrad, Dave, Amiee, Kylene, Kacie, Alex (Happy Belated Birthday), Tracy, Greg, Bubba, Ang and Ang's neighbor I say thanks and Happy Memorial Day.

PS I found this on the Internet. So yes there is a market for them. justpetstrollers.com.

Patriotism In Film and Song

2009-05-25T07:50:00.001-07:00

Unless you are completely clueless you know it is Memorial Day Weekend. I offer these 5 penguin rated movies with a focus on our military.

"The Great Escape", "Saving Pvt Ryan", "Pearl Harbor", "The Great Raid", "The Green Berets", "Air Force", "Memphis Belle", "U571", "Patton", Blackhawk Down", "The Devil's Brigade", "Saints and Soldiers", "The Wild Bunch" and "By Dawn's Early Light" to name a few.

Now having served in the military myself, sometimes you just have to laugh for that try these (also 5 penguins each). "Stripes", "Pentagon Wars" and "Military Intelligence and You".

So I say watch one of these this weekend. Heck watch em' all. I'll bring the popcorn.

And of course songwriters are not slackers for this topic. Listen to the words of songs like "God Bless the USA" and "The Great Defenders" by Lee Greenwood, "Courtesy of the Red White and Blue" by Toby Keith, "Somebody's Someone" by Lonestar, "Some Gave All" by Billy Ray Cyrus, "Have You Forgotten" and "I Just Came Back From a War" by Darryl Worley, "8th of November" by Big & Rich and of course "The Star Spangled Banner" by Francis Scott Key.

I just learned within the last couple of years an interesting fact about the song Taps. Taps for those who don't know is the tune played at military funerals. I didn't know that there are words to the tune. The story and lyrics can be found at my.homewithgod.com/lanell/TAPS.html.